Step 03: Step Three Requirement

Page 60

Being convinced, we were at Step Three, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood Him. Just what do we mean by that, and just what do we do?

• By the time we arrive at this point, we are already committed in principle to turning our wills and lives over to God, to solve our problem
• The next two pages reinforce why this is a good idea in general and not just to solve the problem for which we came to Twelve-Step recovery in the first place

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.

• What is self-will?
• Acting on the basis of what I want for me
• This will produce conflict, as what I want for me will not equal what you want for you
• If what I want is in others' interests or for the common good, if they're not bought in, I will produce conflict anyway

What usually happens? The show doesn’t come off very well. He begins to think life doesn’t treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?

• Just because I'm controlling or manipulating using socially acceptable tactics (as opposed to outright bullying) does not mean I'm not in self-will
• The whole set-up is wrong:
• If I manage well (i.e. manage my life / circumstances / others) ...
• ... I will be satisfied and happy
• This is a delusion
• This means it is not true
• Many people are unhappy in good circumstances
• Many others are happy in awful circumstances
• What is the alternative?
• Trust God, clean house, help others
• ... then satisfaction and happiness come from the inside
• A further delusion:
• If what I want is good, other people should see it, and obey me
• A further problem:
• When I act selfishly, I undermine the principle of Tradition I, the common good
• Others lose trust and follow suit

Our actor is self-centered—egocentric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired businessman who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

• Self-centredness:
• What do I think about all day long?
• What motivates me?
• Three primary concerns:
• Our resentments
• Our self-pity
• Our selves / the seven areas of self:
• Pride: what you think about me
• Self-esteem: what I think about me
• Personal / sex relations: how you treat me
• Pocketbooks: my finances
• Security: my 'needs'
• Ambitions: my wants
• The retired businessman, the minister, the politician, and the reformer are all fine, but they're unhappy anyway
• They think it's others' job to make them happy: 'if they behave / shape up, I will be OK'
• The outlaw safe cracker and the alcoholic are not fine, and they, too, blame

Selfishness—self-centredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

• The root of the trouble is self-reliance
• The answer is God-reliance
• Power comes from motivation
• If we're motivated by the desire to serve God, we will get power from God
• If we're motivated by the desire to serve self, we will get power from self
• Hence: driven (by a hundred forms of ...)
• With regard to every instance of hurt:
• Either we triggered them to act a certain way: this is the first type of decision based on self
• Or our upset stems from a demand we have that others behave a certain way: this is the second type of decision based on self
• If we didn't demand that people be sober / get well / not trail mud across the kitchen floor, we wouldn't be upset when they didn't

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God’s help.

• A trouble is not a situation: it's my reaction to the situation
• If my trouble is of your making, there is no solution, because I can't control you
• If my trouble is of my making, there is a solution
• Your alcoholism is not my trouble
• My reaction to your alcoholism is my trouble
• It is useful to have information, conviction, and commitment
• Knowing about a moral / philosophical code
• Being convinced by it
• Committing to implementing it
• But we need power
• How do you know?
• Try it on your own and you'll soon find out!