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'Cause me to have all the honesty, open-mindedness, willingness I may need here and now. I ask for the guidance, love, and wisdom that I need to work through this process and gain the most I can at this time. I am as willing as I can be to set aside everything I even think I know about this area, this way of life, so that my chances for an open mind and to be teachable are better, so that I may realise Your Three Spiritual Gifts: awakening to You, to be the love I am, and to be the individual You created me as. Thank You.'
Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.
- Next: no delay!
- Vigorous: this means 1+ hour per day on working days, 2+ hours per day on non-working days (religious stringencies permitting); more is possible and welcome
- What we find in Step Four is everything we're not
- This means that the defects of character (mistaken beliefs, unhelpful thinking, and unhelpful behaviour) are 'bad wisdom' (Suzanne Vega)
- They are not who we are
- We are spirit; we are children of God
- We do not need to feel guilty or ashamed
Therefore, we started upon a personal inventory. This was Step Four. A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Taking a commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact-facing process. It is an effort to discover the truth about the stock-in-trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods, to get rid of them promptly and without regret. If the owner of the business is to be successful, he cannot fool himself about values.
- A business which takes no inventory usually goes broke
- A business which only takes inventory also usually goes broke
- We are looking for facts not judgements
- But we do discern what 'does not work' (Page 52: 'Is not our age characterized by the ease with which we discard old ideas for new, by the complete readiness with which we throw away the theory or gadget which does not work for something new which does?')
- The implicit question with each belief, thinking pattern, or behaviour pattern: what is its value in realising the Three Spiritual Gifts?
- If a belief or thinking or behaviour pattern does not help in realising the Three Spiritual Gifts, it is to be discarded
We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First, we searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations.
Resentment is the “number one” offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry. We asked ourselves why we were angry. In most cases it was found that our self-esteem, our pocketbooks, our ambitions, our personal relationships (including sex) were hurt or threatened. So we were sore. We were “burned up.”
On our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with?
- Resentment, contrary to popular belief, does not mean, in terms of its word history, to 'feel again'
- It means to feel 'in response to': the 're' is the same 're' as in 'rebound' or 'react' (Oxford Dictionary of English Etymology)
- To rebound is to bound off a surface; to react is to act in response to; to resent is to feel (something negative) in response to
- The nine emotional trigger words or phrases for this inventory are:
- Resentment
- Anger
- Hurt
- Threatened
- Sore
- Burned up
- Grudge
- Injury
- Interfered with
- In medicine, we have pathogens, infections, and disease
- In the world of the spirit, the pathogen is ego, the infection is resentment, and the disease is the warping of our beliefs, thinking, behaviour, emotions, internal lives, and external lives that flows from this infection
- Ego: edging God out
- A definition of ego: Putting self in the place of God as the centre and objective of our life, or of some department thereof. It is the refusal to recognise our status as creatures, dependent on God for our existence, and placed by Him in a specific relationship to the rest of His creation.
- To get well spiritually, ego has to go (level of spirit)
- Then the infection goes (level of mind)
- Then the disease goes (level of body)
- To be resentful is to react with negative emotion because I haven't got my own way
- 'My own way' is the blueprint for the universe established by my ego
- The first three columns of the resentment inventory help me identify 'my own way'
- To let go of ego I must first uncover it
- Chuck C (author of 'A New Pair Of Glasses', available from: http://www.sgly.com/): uncover, discover, discard
- Al Kohallek (https://www.12stepworkbook.org/): uncover, own, be willing to let go of
We were usually as definite as this example:
I’m resentful at: | The Cause | Affects my: |
Mr Brown | His attention to my wife. | Sex relations. Self-esteem (fear). |
Told my wife of my mistress. | Sex relations. Self-esteem (fear). | |
Brown may get my job at the office. | Security. Self-esteem (fear). | |
Mrs Jones | She’s a nut—she snubbed me. She committed her husband for drinking. He’s my friend. She’s a gossip. | Personal relationship. Self-esteem (fear). |
My employer | Unreasonable—Unjust—Overbearing—Threatens to fire me for drinking and padding my expense account. | Self-esteem (fear). Security. |
My wife | Misunderstands and nags. Likes Brown. Wants house put in her name. | Pride—Personal / sex relations—Security (fear). |
- The aim is to get down to causes and conditions
- I need to review enough resentments to discover the causes and conditions
- Once they're discovered, I'm done
- I do not need to write several hundred
- Usually the top twenty people, institutions, and principles suffice
- I usually stick to people and institutions; they're easier to write about
- I stick to a maximum of five 'charges' per person
- I then look for which area of self is affected
- But first: let's look at the second column
- Be concrete—list the person's acts or words of omission or commission
- Be concise—no waffle, no back-story, not even how it affected you or made you feel—that will come later
- Stick to the facts. Avoid generalisation, interpretation, extrapolation, or speculation
- Now let's look at the third column
- Scripts
- If I don’t think others are acting right in a non-sexual scenario, my personal relations are affected
- If I don’t think others are acting right in a sexual scenario, my sexual relations are affected
- Outcomes
- If my income, expenditure, assets (including property), or liabilities are harmed or threatened, my pocketbook is affected
- If I need something I've not got, might not get, or might lose because of the event in column 2, my security is affected
- If I want something I've not got, might not get, or might lose because of the event in column 2, my ambitions are affected
- Image
- If I’m bothered by what others think about me because of the event in column 2, my pride is affected
- If I feel ashamed or inadequate because of the event in column 2, my self-esteem is affected
- I then ask why: this reveals the underlying demand of my ego:
- Scripts
- Personal relations: What script am I giving the person? How should he/she/they behave?
- Sex relations: What script am I giving the person? How should he/she/they behave?
- Outcomes
- Pocketbooks: How does the situation affect my income, expenditure, assets (including property), or liabilities)?
- Security: What do I need that I have not got, might not get, or might lose?
- Ambitions: What do I want that I have not got, might not get, or might lose?
- Image
- Pride: How do I think he/she/they see(s) me? How do I want him/her/them to see me?
- Self-esteem: How do I see myself? How do I want to see myself?
Worked example
I'm resentful at: | The Cause | Commentary | |
First draft | Susan | She always puts me down. | This doesn't tell me what she actually did. It's a personalised interpretation of what happened, based on a speculation about intention. 'Always' is a very strong word. |
Final version | The director of the company | She occasionally disagrees with me in work meetings. | Now we know exactly what she did, and we've got rid of the exaggeration. (NB the truth of the situation is that Susan is perfectly polite and respectful and that it's her job as an experienced and senior executive to bring that experience to bear. I'm a junior and am very inexperienced. Also, she's typically right.) |
First draft | Peter | He snubbed me in front of everyone. | Everyone? All people in the universe? And what did he actually do? |
Final version | Peter | He did not respond when I said hello to him in the corridor. | Now we have the concrete and relevant facts. (NB the truth of the situation is that Peter was running to the bathroom after being detained by Susan for half an hour and did not even hear me.) |
Now let's look at the third column:
I'm resentful at: | The Cause | Affects my: |
The director of the company | She occasionally disagrees with me in work meetings. | Personal relations: She should agree with everything I say. Pocketbooks: I might lose my job and my income. Security: I need income to live. Ambitions: To be the director. Pride: She seems me as an idiot; I want her to see me as a genius. |
Peter | He ignored me when I said hello to him in the corridor. | Personal relations: Pay attention to me. Greet me warmly. Security: I need social interaction to be OK. I need to feel part of the team at work. Ambitions: To be liked and respected by everyone. Pride: He sees me as irrelevant; I want him to see me as important. Self-esteem: I see myself as a non-entity; I would like to see myself as a mover and shaker. |
Appendix 2: Second column, full instructions
Take a stack of paper.
Write the first name from the list at the top of the first sheet of paper ('the first column').
Below ('the second column'), write why you are resentful (or why you feel hurt, threatened, injured, etc.)
Be concrete—list the person's acts or words of omission or commission.
Be concise—no waffle, no back-story, not even how it affected you or made you feel—that will come later.
Stick to the facts. Avoid generalisation, interpretation, extrapolation, or speculation.
Do not write on the back of the paper: you'll need this later on!
If you get very bogged down, try meditating for a few minutes on what the cause is, and ask God to show you. Try leaving it and coming back the next day. Try discussing it with another person to pinpoint exactly why you are resentful.
Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. (Page 65).
This means that complex analysis etc. is irrelevant: with each item, you need ask yourself only 'am I being thorough?' and 'am I being honest?' If you are, you are doing it right. Be a camera, not an analyst. Keep it simple.
Stick to five charges per person, max.
Appendix 2: Third column, full instructions
In the third column, we identify how others' (column 1) behaviour (column 2) affects us.
How to work out which area is affected
Scripts
If I don’t think others are acting right in a non-sexual scenario, my personal relations are affected.
If I don’t think others are acting right in a sexual scenario, my sexual relations are affected.
Outcomes
If my income, expenditure, assets (including property), or liabilities are harmed or threatened, my pocketbook is affected.
If I need something I've not got, might not get, or might lose because of the event in column 2, my security is affected.
If I want something I've not got, might not get, or might lose because of the event in column 2, my ambitions are affected.
Image
If I’m bothered by what others think about me because of the event in column 2, my pride is affected.
If I feel ashamed or inadequate because of the event in column 2, my self-esteem is affected.
How to 'consider it carefully' (bottom of page 65)
Personal relations: What script am I giving the person? How should he/she/they behave?
Sex relations: What script am I giving the person? How should he/she/they behave?
Pocketbooks: How does the situation affect my income, expenditure, assets (including property), or liabilities)?
Security: What do I need that I have not got, might not get, or might lose?
Ambitions: What do I want that I have not got, might not get, or might lose?
Pride: How do I think he/she/they see(s) me? How do I want him/her/them to see me?
Self-esteem: How do I see myself? How do I want to see myself?
Example answers:
Personal relations:
He should be clear and straightforward.
They should seek our advice and act accordingly.
He should share on the topic.
She should be polite and not be accusatory.
She should not tell me off.
Sex relations:
He should fancy me.
He should initiate sex with me.
Pocketbooks:
If they don't like my work, they will not commission more. Affects my income.
Because the washing machine broke, I will have to pay £200 to have it repaired. Affects my expenditure.
When the stock market goes down, my savings drop. Affects my assets.
When interest rates go up, my credit card debt increases faster. Affects my liabilities.
Security (another word for wellbeing):
To be OK, I need somewhere to live (physical wellbeing)
To be OK, I need the AA group to remain stable (mental and physical wellbeing)
To be OK, I need my other half to be happy (emotional wellbeing)
To be OK, I need a sponsor to provide guidance (developmental wellbeing)
To be OK, I need to spend time with my best friend (social wellbeing)
To be OK, I need free speech to be maintained (societal wellbeing)
Ambitions:
I want to be given high-profile work.
I want to have lots of free time to read.
I want to go on holiday to Germany.
I want to look like Justin Bieber.
I want to look like Marilyn Monroe.
Pride:
He sees me as a pushover, a patsy. I want him to see me as a respected authority.
He sees me as an equal. I want him to see me as a superior.
She sees me as difficult and thoughtless. I want her to see me as helpful and professional.
Self-esteem:
I see myself as inefficient and useless. I want to see myself as effective and competent as a sponsor.
I see myself as error-prone and uninteresting. I want to see myself as flawless and impressive as a writer.
Template
Personal relations: He / she / they should ...
Sex relations: He / she / they should ...
Pocketbooks: What has happened / will happen / might happen? How does this affect my income, expenditure, assets, or liabilities?
Security: To be OK, I need ...
Ambitions: I want ...
Pride: He / she / they see me as ...; I want him / her / them to see me as ...
Self-esteem: I see myself as ...; I want to see myself as
Where do I write the answers?
Below the cause on the sheets of paper you have written the cause on.
Appendix 3: Third column: Tips
We're after the demands that are not being met (so the 'self-seeking' from page 67). These demands slot under the seven areas of self.
Describe the demands by picturing the world as you would like it, in as far as it relates to this situation.
Don't just reword, amplify, invert, or embellish the resentment.
Start with personal relations. A good starting point is to invert the resentment, but then generalise a little to derive the demand. Then ask how outcomes and image are affected.
Example
I'm resentful at Susan (employee).
Cause: She called me a bossy boots.
Personal relations: Don't call me a bossy boots. Do not criticise me. Express gratitude.
Pride: She sees me as a bossy boots. I want her to see me as a great authority.
Full worked example
I'm resentful at Martina.
Cause: She has a successful career.
Personal relations: She should fail or she should be mediocre.
Self esteem: I see myself as a failure. I would like to see myself as a success.
I'm resentful at Peter.
Cause: He blames me for his negative emotions and problems.
Personal relations: He should take responsibility for his negative emotions and problems.
Pride: He sees me as inconsiderable and selfish. He should see me as innocent and helpful.
Further questions and considerations
Ask whether what you have written in the third column adequately explains the resentment in the second column.
If the plan were to be fulfilled (i.e. all the third column demands were met), would that eliminate the resentment, or would some element remain?
Is my third column a tight, clean, clinical analysis of why I'm resentful in column 2? Or is it a splurging, venting, stream of consciousness? Aim for a tight, clean, clinical analysis.
Sometimes the demands you discover actually go beyond the scope of explaining the resentment you wrote about in the second column. If that is the case, you might have discovered there is a further resentment. If that is the case, add that resentment and separate it off.
Try to word the demands under 'personal relations' positively (where possible), e.g.:
Be kind. Be supportive. Break bad news with gravity and decorum. Tell the truth. Tell nothing but the truth. Tell the whole truth. Think before you speak. Comply with my requests. Get sober. Stay sober. Go to meetings. Provide well-informed clear advice to the public. Call me regularly. Tell funny jokes. Accept my boundaries with grace.
Avoid figurative and/or vague language, e.g.
Show respect. Don't be an arsehole. Go the whole hog. Suck it up.
Speak deferentially. Do not attack me verbally. Complete the tasks you are assigned. Don't complain. Be cheerful.
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