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'Cause me to have all the honesty, open-mindedness, willingness I may need here and now. I ask for the guidance, love, and wisdom that I need to work through this process and gain the most I can at this time. I am as willing as I can be to set aside everything I even think I know about this area, this way of life, so that my chances for an open mind and to be teachable are better, so that I may realise Your Three Spiritual Gifts: awakening to You, to be the love I am, and to be the individual You created me as. Thank You.'
We went back through our lives.
- It's best to start inventory with today and work backwards
- It's easier to remember exactly what happened and exactly what I believe, thought, did, and felt for a current resentment
- Today's resentments are usually more troublesome emotionally and constitute greater blocks and more potent drivers of misbehaviour
Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty.
- If I ask myself the right questions in relation to all parts of my life, I am being thorough
- If I do not hurry and allow answers to come and then write them down, I am being honest
When we were finished we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived.
- When I considered my resentment list carefully, I discovered the following
- It's not that others aren't wrong; they often are
- Quite wrong means entirely wrong
- But my upset comes from me, not them
- Even when I'm at fault, my upset comes from my attitude to my fault, not from the fault
- Changing the world to make oneself happy does not work
- There is too much to change in the world
- Trying to change the world causes conflict
- This is turn causes more problems
- Having everything go my way does not make me happy anyway
- Even when you win, you lose
- 'It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world'
- [Maybe we should try to effect change in the world because that's God's will, but that is a different matter:
- We can do that in an emotionally neutral, unattached way.]
- I am resentful not because of their behaviour but because of my demands
- A demand is a preference plus an emotional charge
- If a preference is not satisfied, I'm fine
- If a demand is not met, I am anything from disappointed to furious
- If I am going to be happy I need to do something with my demands
- Three options
- Drop the demand entirely
- Reduce it to a neutral preference
- Work for its attainment
- How to work out which to do:
- If the demand serves an ego goal (money, sex, power, prestige, comfort, thrills, appearance), it should probably be dropped
- If the demand serves a legitimate goal (health and well-being; effectively, efficiently, and harmoniously serving God)
- Reduce it to a neutral preference
- Work for its attainment
- Examples
- Demands for inordinate wealth, security, power, prestige etc. need to be dropped altogether
- When I go to someone's house for dinner, I would prefer a salad to something stodgy, but I'm not going to be upset if they serve stodgy food
- I would prefer my sponsees to get well, and I will help them any way I can, but if they do not, I will not worry about it
- I would prefer my clients to be pleasant and easy to work with, so I skew my work towards such clients and work for difficult clients only if there is no other work available
- I might prefer to have a larger flat to be able to host small recovery-related gatherings, so I can work extra hours to earn the money to afford one
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.
If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison.
We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.
- Consequences of resentment
- Futility
- Unhappiness
- Squandered hours
- Blockage from spiritual experience
- Separation from God
- Insanity
- Fatality (literally)
- Imprisonment (figuratively)
- Loss of emotional autonomy ('dominated us')
- These are my motivations for being rid of resentment
- Purpose
- Happiness
- Satisfactory use of time
- Spiritual experience
- Connection with God
- Sanity
- Life
- Freedom
- Autonomy
- The entirely different angle is this: look at each situation from their point of view
This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.
- This means:
- They had the pathogen of ego
- This gave rise to the infection of resentment
- This gave rise to all forms of spiritual disease
- They didn't ask for the pathogen of ego: it just happened
- To be human is to have an ego
- They are powerless not guilty
- The answer to powerlessness is empowerment
- They are mistaken not sinful
- Sin calls for judgement & punishment
- Error calls for comprehension and correction
- The solution
- Alter the attitude
- Drop the judgement
Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too.
- They're in the same boat as us
- What motivations, especially fear, might be driving them?
- Have I had the same motivations / fears?
- See their own powerlessness and error mirroring my own
We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, “This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.”
- Systematically pray this prayer!
- Sometimes they're not sick: they're just going about their business and getting in my way ...
- ... in which case I omit that phrase
We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn’t treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.
- Avoid retaliation and argument both internally and externally
- Treat others kindly
- If you can't be helpful, give them space
- A further prayer: 'God, show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one.'
Summary
Drop the demand
Drop the judgement
Look at the situation from their point of view
Identify with their powerlessness
Develop compassion for that powerlessness
Say the prayers
Stop fighting
Help ...
... without fixing, changing, controlling, rescuing, manipulating, etc.
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