Page 67
'Cause me to have all the honesty, open-mindedness, willingness I may need here and now. I ask for the guidance, love, and wisdom that I need to work through this process and gain the most I can at this time. I am as willing as I can be to set aside everything I even think I know about this area, this way of life, so that my chances for an open mind and to be teachable are better, so that I may realise Your Three Spiritual Gifts: awakening to You, to be the love I am, and to be the individual You created me as. Thank You.'
Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man’s. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight.
There is more written work to do on our resentment list. There are eight questions to answer, covering the following areas:
(1) Mistakes
(2) Selfishness
(3) Dishonesty
(4) Self-seeking
(5) Fear
(6) Blame
(7) Faults
(8) Wrongs
'Mistakes' are where my beliefs, thinking, and behaviour were wrong. What were my mistakes? What should I have believed, thought, and done instead?
'Selfishness' is where I put my interests above yours. Where was I selfish?
'Dishonesty' is lying, withholding the truth, distortion, self-delusion, or scheming. Where was I dishonest?
'Self-seeking' is what I am after. What was I after? (Refer to the third column: this contains the full answer; summarise it briefly here.)
'Fear' is where I am troubled because I think I am going to lose something I have got or not get something I want. What was I frightened of?
'Blame' is where my behaviour contributed to a bad situation. Where was I to blame?
'Faults' are defects of character—this forms the basis for Step 7. Pick the top three.
Here is a simple list to pick from. Use a dictionary or ask an AA friend if you do not understand one or more of these.
Arrogance; avarice; contempt; cowardice; cruelty; disobedience; distrust; domination; envy; gluttony; impenitence; indifference; jealousy; lack of discipline; lust; malice; over-ambition; over-sensitiveness; presumption; pride; prudery; pugnacity; retaliation; sentimentality; shame (hurt pride); sloth; snobbery; timidity; vanity; violation of confidence; wastefulness.
'Wrongs' are harms I have done others—this forms the basis for Step 8. What were my wrongs?
On the back of each sheet of paper from the resentment inventory, write about each of these eight areas, covering the whole relationship in question, not just the situation that triggered the resentment.
Avoid repetition. Not every question will have an answer. The eight questions overlap in terms of the answers they elicit.
Check it's complete by asking yourself: do my answers cover everything I'm getting wrong in belief, thought, and action (including speech)? If you've missed anything, add it. Then you're done.
When I write Step Four, I write about my resentments. I then answer the page 67 questions in relation to the relationships with the people, institutions, or principles I resent.
This will not produce a thorough inventory, as I do not have resentments in all relationships and areas of my life.
I therefore take the page 67 questions and apply them to:
- Other relationships
- Other categories of people (e.g. waiters in restaurants, people in shops, people at meetings, students, colleagues)
- Other areas of my life, e.g.
- Money
- Retirement planning
- Looking after my home
- Education
- Work
- Diet
- Exercise
- Sleep
- Hobbies
- Service
- Religion
- Anything else not already covered.
Take the page 67 questions and answer them in relation to all of the above.
Clean-up exercises:
- Do I have any other defects? Use the defects lists and see if there are any you have that you haven't already written about. Write out the name of the defect and give a couple of great examples.
- Have I committed any other harms not covered above? Scour your memory. If you find any, write them down.
Annex 1: Full list of character defects (traditional)
PRIDE is putting self in the place of God as the centre and objective of our life, or of some department thereof. It is the refusal to recognize our status as creatures, dependent on God for our existence, and placed by him in a specific relationship to the rest of his creation.
[→ HUMILITY is putting God in the place of self as the centre and objective of our life, or of some department thereof. It is the recognition of our status as creatures, dependent on God for our existence, and placed by him in a specific relationship to the rest of his creation.]
Irreverence. Deliberate neglect of the worship of God, or being content with a perfunctory participation in it. Disregard of additional opportunities for giving God honour. Failure to thank God or to express our gratitude adequately.
Disrespect for God or holy things by deliberately treating them, in thought, word or deed, in a profane, contemptuous or over-familiar manner. Use of holy things for personal advantage, or the attempt to bribe or placate God by religious practices or promises.
Sentimentality. Being satisfied with pious feelings and beautiful ceremonies without striving to obey God's will.
Presumption. Dependence on self rather than on God, with the consequent neglect of the means of grace—sacraments and prayer. Dispensation of ourselves from ordinary duties on the grounds that we are superior persons. Satisfaction or complacency over our spiritual achievements. Refusal to avoid, when possible, immediate occasions of temptation. Preference for our own ideas, customs, schemes or techniques. Foolish optimism.
Failure to recognize our job as a divine vocation or to offer our work to God. Unwillingness to surrender to and abide in God, to let him act in and through us. Failure to offer to God regularly in intercession the persons or causes that have, or should enlist our interest and support.
Distrust. Refusal to recognize God's wisdom, providence and love. Worry, anxiety, misgivings, scrupulosity, or perfectionism. Attempts to discern or control the future by spiritualism, astrology, fortune-telling or the like. Magic or superstition.
Over-sensitiveness. Expectation that others will dislike, reject or mistreat us; over-readiness so to interpret their attitude, or quickness to take offense. Unfounded suspicions.
Timidity in accepting responsibility, or cowardice in facing difficulty or suffering. Surrender to feelings of depression, gloom, pessimism, discouragement, self-pity, or fear of death, instead of fighting to be brave, cheerful and hopeful.
Disobedience. Rejection of God's known will in favour of our own interests or pleasures. Disobedience of the legitimate laws, regulations or authority of state, parents, teachers, etc.; or slow and reluctant obedience. Failure when in authority to fulfil responsibilities or to consider the best interests of those under us.
Refusal to learn God's nature or will expounded in instructions or expert advice, or discernible through prayer, meditation or the reading of spiritual books. Absorption in our own affairs, leaving little time, energy or interest for the things of God.
Violation of confidence. Breaking of legitimate promises or contracts. Irresponsibility. Treachery. Unnecessary disappointment of another, or the causing of shame or anxiety to those who love us.
Impenitence. Refusal to search out and face up to our sins, or to confess and admit them before God. Disregard of our sins or pretence that we are better than we are. Self-justification or discounting our sins as insignificant, natural or inevitable. Self-righteous comparison of ourselves with others.
Refusal to accept just punishment or to make due reparation when possible. Deceit or lying to escape the consequences of our sins, or allowing another to suffer the blame for our faults. Overcompensation or attempts at self-reform or self-vengeance, to avoid surrender to God in humble penitence.
Shame (hurt pride), sorrow for ourselves because our sins make us less respectable than we like to think we are, or because we fear punishment or injury to our reputation, rather than sorrow for what sin is in the eyes of God. Refusal to admit we were in the wrong or to apologize. Refusal to accept forgiveness from God or others. Doubt that God can forgive our sins, or failure to use the means of getting assurance of his forgiveness when we need it. Unwillingness to forgive ourselves.
Vanity. Crediting to ourselves rather than to God our talents, abilities, insights, accomplishments, good works. Refusal to admit indebtedness to others, or adequately to express gratitude for their help. Hypocrisy. Pretence to virtues we do not possess. False humility. Harsh judgments on others for the faults we excuse in ourselves.
Boasting, exaggeration, drawing attention to ourselves by talking too much, by claiming ability, wisdom, experience or influence that we do not have, or by eccentric or ostentatious behaviour. Undue concern over, or expenditure of time, money or energy on looks, dress, surroundings, etc., in order to impress others; or deliberate slovenliness for the same purpose. Seeking, desiring or relishing flattery or compliments.
Arrogance. Insisting that others conform to our wishes, recognize our leadership, accept our own estimate of our worth. Being overbearing, argumentative, opinionated, obstinate.
Snobbery. Pride over race, family, position, personality, education, skill, achievements, or possessions.
ANGER is open rebellion against God or our fellow creatures. Its purpose and desire is to eliminate any obstacle to our self-seeking, to retaliate against any threat to our security, to avenge any insult or injury to our person.
Resentment. Refusal to discern, accept or fulfil God's vocation. Dissatisfaction with the talents, abilities or opportunities he has given us. Unwillingness to face up to difficulties or sacrifices. Unjustified rebellion or complaint at the circumstances of our lives. Escape from reality or the attempt to force our will upon it. Transference to God, to our parents, to society, or to other individuals of the blame for our maladjustment; hatred of God or antisocial behaviour. Cynicism. Annoyance at the contrariness of things: profanity or grumbling.
Pugnacity. Attack upon another in anger. Murder in deed or desire. Combativeness or nursing of grudges. Injury to another by striking, cursing or insulting him; or by damaging his reputation or property. Quarrelsomeness, bickering, contradiction, nagging, rudeness, or snubbing.
Retaliation. Vengeance for wrongs real or imagined, or the plotting thereof. Hostility, sullenness or rash judgment. Refusal to forgive or to offer or accept reconciliation. Unwillingness to love, to do good to, or to pray for enemies. Boycotting or ostracizing another for selfish reasons. Spoiling others' pleasure by uncooperativeness or disdain, because we have not got our way, or because we feel out of sorts or superior.
ENVY is the dissatisfaction with our place in God's order of creation, manifested in begrudging his gifts and vocation to others.
Jealousy. Offense at the talents, success or good fortune of others. Selfish or unnecessary rivalry or competition. Pleasure at others' difficulties or distress. Belittling others.
Malice. Ill-will, false accusations, slander, backbiting. Reading false motives into others' behaviour. Initiation, collection or retailing gossip. Arousing, fostering or organizing antagonism against others. Unnecessary criticism, even when true. Deliberate annoyance of others, teasing or bullying.
Contempt. Scorn of another's virtue, ability, shortcomings, or failings. Prejudice against those we consider inferior, or who consider us inferior, or who seem to threaten our security or position. Ridicule of persons, institutions or ideals.
COVETOUSNESS is the refusal to respect the integrity of other creatures, expressed in the inordinate accumulation of material things; in the use of other persons for our personal advantage; or in the quest for status, power or security at their expense.
Inordinate Ambition. Pursuit of status, power, influence, reputation, or possessions at the expense of the moral law, or other obligations, or of the rights of others. Ruthless or unfair competition. Putting self or family first. Conformity to standards we recognize as wrong or inadequate in order to get ahead. Intrigue or conspiracy for self-advancement.
Domination. Seeking to use or possess others. Overprotection of children; refusal to correct or punish lest we lose their affection; insistence that they conform to our ideal for them contrary to their own vocation. Imposing our will on others by force, guile, whining, or refusal to cooperate. Over-readiness to advise or command; abuse of authority. Patronizing, pauperizing, putting others under a debt of gratitude, or considering ourselves ill-used when others' affection or compliance is not for sale.
Respect for persons, favouritism, partiality, flattery, fawning, or bribery to win support or affection. Refusal to uphold the truth to fulfil duties, to perform good acts, or to defend those wrongfully attacked, because we fear criticism or ridicule, or because we seek to gain the favour or approval or others. Leading, tempting or encouraging others to sin.
Avarice. Inordinate pursuit of wealth or material things. Theft, dishonesty, misrepresentation, or sharing of stolen goods. Cheating in business, taxes, school or games. Making worldly success the goal of our life or the standard for judging others.
Prodigality. Waste of natural resources or personal possessions. Extravagance or living beyond our income, to impress others or to maintain status. Failure to pay debts. Gambling more than we can afford to lose, or to win unearned profits. Unnecessary borrowing or carelessness with others' money. Expenditure on self of what is needed for the welfare of others.
Penuriousness. Undue protection of wealth or security. Selfish insistence on vested interests or on claimed rights. Refusal to support or help those who have a claim on us. Sponging on others. Stinginess. Failure to give due proportion of our income to charity, or of our time and energy to good works. Failure to pay pledges promised to the charities, when able to do so.
GLUTTONY is the overindulgence of natural appetites for food and drink, and by extension the inordinate quest for pleasure or comfort.
Intemperance. Overindulgence in food, drink, smoking, or other physical pleasures. Fastidiousness, fussiness, demanding excessively high standards, or dilettantism. Condemnation of some material things or pleasures as evil in themselves, attempting to prohibit their use rather than their abuse.
Lack of Discipline. Negligence in keeping the days of fasting or abstinence, or failure to use other needed means of self-discipline. Neglect of bodily health—not getting sufficient rest, recreation, exercise, or wholesome nourishment. Failure to use or to cooperate with available medical care when ill. Use of sickness as a means of escape from responsibilities.
LUST is the misuse of sex for personal gratification, debasing it from the holy purpose for which God has given it to us.
Unchastity. Violation of the sane and sound ideal for sexual conduct. Lack of consideration for one's partner in the use of the relationship. Failure to give adequate care to children, or to take our full share in responsibilities or work involved. Unfaithfulness to one's spouse or partner. Harmful sexual indulgence, in thought or act, alone or with others.
Prudery. Fear of sex or condemnation of it as evil in itself. Refusal to seek adequate sexual instruction or the attempt to prevent others from obtaining it. Stimulation of excessive and harmful curiosity by undue secrecy. Repression of sex.
Cruelty. Deliberate infliction of pain, mental or physical. Tormenting of animals.
SLOTH is the refusal to respond to our opportunities for growth, service or sacrifice.
Laziness. Indolence in performing spiritual, mental or physical duties, or neglect of family, business or social obligations or courtesies. Procrastination of disliked tasks. Busyness or triviality to avoid more important commitments. Devotion of excessive time to rest, recreations, amusement, television, light reading or the like. Waste of employer's time, or shoddy or inadequate work.
Indifference. Unconcern over injustice to others, especially that caused by currently accepted social standards; or unmindfulness of the suffering of the world. Failure to become adequately informed on both sides of contemporary issues or on the spiritual principles involved. Neglect of duties to state or community. Failure to provide adequately for, or to treat justly those in our employ.
Ignoring of needy, lonely or unpopular persons in our own or the parish family, or in the neighbourhood; or unwillingness to minister to them. Insufficient attention to the needs of our family.
Annex 2: Full list of character defects (modern, alphabetical)
Anxiety
Arguing
Arrogance
Attention-seeking
Avoiding amends
Avoiding intimacy
Bad-temperedness
Beating yourself up
Being different to gain an identity
Believing feelings
Believing you're special & different
Bitching
Bitterness
Black-and-white thinking
Blame
Boasting
Brusqueness
Bullying
Charm
Choosing chaos
Choosing short-term gain over long-term pain
Coldness
Complaining
Complying just to gain approval
Compulsive busyness
Concealing the truth
Contempt
Controlling
Criticising
Defensiveness
Denial
Despair
Dismissing people
Distortion
Dominating conversations
Duvet-diving
Embellishment
Envy
Exaggeration
Exhibitionism
Expectation
Fantasy
Fire-fighting (only dealing with the urgent)
Fishing for compliments
Fitting in to gain an identity
Fixing
Flattery
Focusing on people who don't like you
General
Generalisation
Giving people attention only when they ignore you
Giving to get
Gossiping
Graciousness
Greed/gluttony
Guilt
Gullibility
Hatred
Hypersensitivity
Hypocrisy
Ignoring people
Imbalance between different areas of life
Impatience
Impoliteness
Inaction
Inappropriate self-expression
Inconsistency
Indecision
Indifference
Indiscretion
Inflexibility
Ingratiation
Interfering
Intolerance
Irrationality
Isolating
Jealousy
Judging
Lack of discipline
Lack of perspective
Lack of proportion
Lack of self-evaluation
Lying
Making (excessive) demands
Malice
Managing situations
Manipulation
Martyrdom
Mercilessness
Mistrust
Monkey-mind (mental restlessness)
Mothering
Negativity
Neglect
Nostalgia
Not asking for help
Not listening
Not playing enough
Not resting
Not setting boundaries
Not spending enough
Not working enough
Obsessing
Over-ambition
Over-analysing
Over-dependence
Overeating
Overspending
Overworking
Patronisation
Perfectionism
Pessimism
Physical violence
Procrastination
Projection
Provocation
Pulling rank
Punishing
Rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic
Recklessness
Repeating mistakes and expecting different results
Resistance to change
Retaliation
Rigidity
Sarcasm
Saying 'no' too often
Saying 'yes' too often
Scaring people
Scorn
Secretiveness
Self-centredness
Self-consciousness
Self-doubt
Self-importance
Selfishness
Self-justification
Self-neglect
Self-obsession
Self-pity
Self-righteousness
Self-satisfaction
Sense of fraudulence
Shame
Shaming people
Showing off
Sloth
Stealing stuff
Stealing other people's crises and making them your own
Stewing
Sticking your head in the sand
Suspicion
Taking people for granted
Tunnel-vision
Verbal abuse
Withdrawing
Withholding the truth
Withholding yourself
Worry
Zero–sum thinking
Annex 3: Manipulation checklist
Manipulation: inappropriate means to get someone to act a particular way (in contrast to a polite request, legitimate overt or covert boundaries, and/or positive reinforcement)
(The following may be legitimate or illegitimate depending on context.)
Verbal anger
Making noise (with furniture, household objects, doors, windows, and vehicles)
Encroaching on physical space (including using vehicles)
Criticism
Blaming
Chiding
Inventory-taking
Ordering
Hostility
Argument
Nit-picking
Sophistry
Legalism
Threatening
Punishing
Shaming
Sighing
Face-pulling
Glaring
Ridiculing
Sarcasm
Interrupting
Talking over
Repetition
Long-windedness
Filibustering
Terseness
Incoherence
Rambling
Expressing grudging acceptance
Withholding thanks
Mismatch between tone and words
Running away
Storming out
Weeping
Expressions of upset
Expressions of victimhood
Expressions of good motive
Assertion of the reliance on God
Assertion of the reliance on prayer
Silence
Patchy engagement
Ignoring
Sullenness
Self-pity
Promises
Bribery
Flattery
Charm
Flirting
Seduction
Intermittent reward
Invoking favours
Invoking obligation
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