Mistakes
Taking the Steps is an ongoing learning experience in which every action brings us a new awareness of ourselves. Even our mistakes offer great riches because they can lead to meaningful insights. How Al-Anon Works 43
We do not beat ourselves up for having made mistakes; we admit that we made them and do what we can to correct them. How Al-Anon Works 60
We are doing our best. We are human, and we will fall short of perfection. Instead of justifying our mistakes and creating new sources of guilt, we can simply admit to ourselves that we were wrong as soon as we realise it … How Al-Anon Works 61
Fear
I was crushed and defeated by the daily battering of living with an alcoholic. I was afraid of everything and everybody. ODAT 84
Blame
We may discover that we have blamed all our difficulties on the alcoholic and excused ourselves with rationalisations. Paths to Recovery 42
When I am pained by anything that happens outside of myself, it is not that thing which hurts me, but the way I think and feel about it. ODAT 7
Have I ever considered that the impulse to say something unkind comes from my own guilt and unease, which erupts in blows against others? ODAT 20
Nothing has the power to hurt my feelings and stir up unwholesome emotions in me unless I allow it. ODAT 21
Can I admit that my own irrational behaviour helped to create the mess? ODAT 70
No wonder the situation became an impasse, with the irresistible force, me, trying to move the immovable object, alcoholism. ODAT 72
Living with an alcoholic distorted my thinking in many ways, but particularly in one: I blamed all my problems on The Bottle. Now I am learning in Al-Anon to look squarely at each difficulty, not seeking whom to ‘blame’ but to discover how my attitude helped to create my problem or aggravate it. ODAT 78
My suffering could be the consequence of my own attitudes, actions, or neglects. ODAT 125
Character defects
The defences we learned served us well in alcoholic and other unhealthy situations, but now they keep us from living happily and serenely. We can acknowledge these defences without condemning ourselves for using them. Paths to Recovery 56
My second sponsor described the defects of character as ‘survival skills that no longer serve me’. This definition helps me stop being so hard on myself. It helps me understand that for most of my life these defects of character worked for my benefit. Paths to Recovery 67
When that character defect of being controlling is active in my life … I ask my Higher Power to help me. Reflections of Hope 10
Though working the programme, I have learnt that I can only work to know myself, and I can only uncover my own part in this family disease. Reflections of Hope 19
To take an accurate inventory, it helps to take into consideration all the relationships that have caused recurring conflicts. We ask ourselves questions to identify our part. Twelve Steps of S-Anon
S-Anon helped me find the clarity to ask myself whether this defect is really useful—particularly when it also brings up hurt humiliation, and guilt of my past. Even though my answer was usually ‘no’, I sometimes still hesitate to ask God to remove my shortcomings. S-Anon Twelve Steps 77
When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. I’ve heard that saying a million times, yet I could never seem to make lemonade in my life sweet enough. As I worked my Fourth Step, I began to think of my character defects as lemons in their natural state—often useful even without adding sugar. Reflections of Hope 222
Doing the work
When I got honest with myself. I realised the truth was I didn’t really want to give up this one thing, I was using it as an excuse not to do the Fourth Step. Reflections of Hope 69
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