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'Cause me to have all the honesty, open-mindedness, willingness I may need here and now. I ask for the guidance, love, and wisdom that I need to work through this process and gain the most I can at this time. I am as willing as I can be to set aside everything I even think I know about this area, this way of life, so that my chances for an open mind and to be teachable are better, so that I may realise Your Three Spiritual Gifts: awakening to You, to be the love I am, and to be the individual You created me as. Thank You.'
Now about sex. Many of us needed an overhauling there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It’s so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes—absurd extremes, perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex; who bewail the institution of marriage; who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn’t the right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone’s sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We’d hardly be human if we didn’t. What can we do about them?
- There isn't a single formula for success in the areas of sex and romance
- There are people who live at the extremes and are happy and fulfilled (and harm no one)
- And there are people who are conventional and unhappy
- The non-judgemental attitude provides a good model for other domains, e.g. politics and religion: don't judge
- The AA programme is more interested in solving problems than judging the individual
- The question to ask: 'How is that working out for ya, buddy?'
We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.
In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test—was it selfish or not? We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed.
- Make a list of the people you have had sex with, thought about having sex with, or wanted or tried to have sex with, and people who have made romantic or sexual advances towards you, i.e. anyone with whom there is sexual energy of some sort
- If there are a lot (and there might be!), use categories (e.g. 'work colleagues I flirt with', 'people I make passes at', 'one-night stands'), and write about the category of persons rather than repeating yourself
- Questions
- Where had we been (1) selfish,
- (2) dishonest,
- or (3) inconsiderate?
- Whom had we (4) hurt?
- Did we unjustifiably arouse (5) jealousy,
- (6) suspicion,
- or (7) bitterness?
- (8) Where were we at fault,
- (9) what should we have done instead?
- We got this down on paper and looked at it.
- Answer these nine questions for each person or category on the list
- We're talking about conduct, not thoughts or feelings
- Put yourself in the other person's shoes: what would they say about you?
- Using question (9) above, formulate a sane and sound ideal for your future sex life, from the point of view of what you can give, rather than what you can get
- Note the word 'sane': it must be something within reach
- The sane and sound ideal can be used to measure actual conduct in daily or periodic reviews
- Those reviews then feed back into the sane and sound ideal, where necessary
- The ideal is dynamic: it changes over time
Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, if we want it.
- We don't have to become perfect
- All we have to do is make progress
- We make amends unless we would do more harm in the process
- If we're currently harming someone: stop it now
God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice.
- The final decision is down to the individual, as the individual must live with the consequences
- If I am uncertain, I spend time with God, asking and listening
- Prayer is asking
- Meditation is listening
- If I find myself justifying, I'm probably defending something wrong
- If I would not like people at my home group to know what I'm doing, I probably shouldn't do it
- I am careful who I seek counsel from
- I look at the results they're getting in their own lives
Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk? Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.
- If I harm others:
- Recognise the fault (regret)
- Connect with how I have affected others (remorse)
- Ask God to take me to better things (resolve)
- Major 'death threat': if we continue to harm others without being sorry, we will drink
- In Al-Anon, etc.: we will get into other serious trouble
- This applies equally to other problems, too
To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.
- This provides an answer to any obsession of the mind:
- Help others ...
- ... but in the way God wants, not necessarily the way I want
- Overall, this gives me a method to solve any problem of how to behave in a situation
- Ask God to help me mould sane and sound ideals
- Ask, 'am I being selfish?'
- Ask God to help me live up to such ideals
- Remember my abilities, attributes, and faculties are God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly, nor to be despised and loathed
- Be willing to grow towards the ideal (recognising this will not be an overnight matter)
- Be willing to make amends except where to do so would injure them or others
- Ask God what to do about each specific matter
- Seek counsel from others
- Let God—not others—be the judge
- Avoid hysterical thinking or advice
- Earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing
- If the problem is very troublesome, throw myself the harder into helping others; think of their needs and work for them
If we have been thorough about our personal inventory, we have written down a lot. We have listed and analyzed our resentments. We have begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. We have commenced to see their terrible destructiveness. We have begun to learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even our enemies, for we look on them as sick people. We have listed the people we have hurt by our conduct, and are willing to straighten out the past if we can.
In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves. We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him. If you have already made a decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, you have made a good beginning. That being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself.
- This summarises the key points so far
- Note that the inventory is of our 'grosser handicaps'
- It's good to be thorough
- But if you miss stuff, you can always come back to it later
Annex 1: Some relationship tips that help some people
If these help, great. If not, don't worry about them. They're just ideas:
You get on with what you need to get on with.
They get on with what they need to get on with.
If you want to hang out and do something together, do it.
If you want to be quiet together, just reading or something, do it.
If the other person wants to be quiet—alone or elsewhere—fine.
No complaining, carping, or expressions of disappointment.
Your job is to serve them. Ask regularly if you can do anything to help.
If they say 'nothing', drop it and go and do something else.
Forgive them for everything by simply overlooking 'faults'.
They're not faults, anyway, they're traits.
No criticism, ever. Allow yourself the occasional polite request.
What's 'occasional'? Maybe once a month. Not much more.
If you want help, ask for it, and present it as such. No orders.
If you do something wrong, admit it, and don't make excuses.
Apologise and ask what you can do to make it right. Then do it.
Express appreciation, affection, and loyalty every day.
Be pleased to see them. Be pleased to be with them. Show it.
Annex 2: Some qualities that are useful in relationships
No one has the following qualities absolutely and at all times: they are ideals to work towards.
If they help, great. If not, don't worry about them. They're just ideas.
Emotional maturity
- Emotions are largely appropriate, timely, and proportionate
- Emotionally continent: knowing when to share and when not to share emotions
- Having a system for handling and processing negative emotions safely, effectively, and with the right person
- Calm and cheerful in the face of challenge, reversal of fortune, frustration, or adversity
- Stable, consistent, and reliable
- Capable of adjustment, adaptation, and change
- Largely free of resentment, fear, guilt, shame, jealousy, envy, bitterness, suspicion, and hostility
- Forms alliances not dependencies
Competence
- Handles practical matters promptly and appropriately
- Takes active responsibility
- Far-sighted and strategically adept
- Can plan and follow through
- Knows when to ask for help and from whom
- Has some special skills
- Rational
- Knowledgeable
- Can plug knowledge gaps with research
Unselfishness
- Places common welfare first
- Seeks to give rather than to get
- Has one or more constructive missions in life
- Moral
- Considers others first or on an equal footing with self
Boundaried
- Takes responsibility for self
- Puts own oxygen mask on first: makes sure own needs are met
- Fully self-supporting through own contributions
- Does not take inappropriate responsibility for others
- Does not control, manipulate, or bulldoze
- Lets other be responsible for themselves
- Does not accept unacceptable behaviour
- Does not make excuses for others
- Does not clean up others' messes
- Does not caretake
- Does not fix
- Does not see others as responsible for self
- Does not seek a rescuer
- Does not put others on a pedestal
- Does not blame others
Loving
- Safe: does not attack or undermine the other person
- Loyal: sticks by and defends the other person
- Supportive: provides practical help and encouragement
- Accepting: does not seek to change the other person's nature
- Engaging: invites togetherness and closeness
- Valuing: treats the other person as important
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