Judging
Forgiveness can sometimes make the difference. Unfortunately, forgiveness is often confused with judgement. I will examine the ways in which I feel you have injured me and find you guilty. Then, out of my generous, spiritual heart, I will condescend to absolve you of guilt. This is not forgiveness, but arrogance. If we have judged, forgiveness can be the means by which our minds are returned to humility—and thereby to real freedom: we can remember that we are in no position to rule on the worthiness of another. … In All Our Affairs 210
In time I came to understand that much of my family members’ lives was none of my business. I had no right to judge them as right or wrong, much less interfere with their lives, even if they asked for my opinion … My only responsibility is to put the focus on my behaviour, understand my family and try to be non-judgemental. Discovering Choices 11
It simply means we cultivate the ability to look beneath the surface. By shifting our focus away from the objectionable behaviour and looking more deeply, we recognise a part of every human being that remains untouched by disease, the part of each of us that deserves unconditional love and respect regardless of the circumstances … We don’t forgive the actions another person has chosen, because it was never our job to judge the person for those actions in the first place. How Al-Anon Works 86
I try to accept people the way they are without condemning them for it. And I strive to change what I can, which is mainly my attitude. How Al-Anon Works 72
I need to be free of fear and enjoy a healthy, sexually intimate relationship. Reflections of Hope 40
Healthy relationships
Al-Anon helps us learn new ways to have healthy relationships in all areas of our lives. Paths to Recovery 10
To learn to act lovingly in intimate relationships is an important goal for many of us. Paths to Recovery 122
… today I accept that in order for me to achieve ‘healthy sexuality’ I will have to continue to look at myself. Reflections of Hope 40
I am grateful that I did have the opportunity to learn that sex can be extension of an intimate relationship … Reflections of Hope 71
Sex inventory
When a marriage is beset by sex problems, the first thing to overcome is the idea that either of the partners is at fault. Both are unquestionably miserable, both blindly seeking answers and both invariably blaming each other for what’s wrong with the relationship. This puts both partners on the defensive but does nothing to solve the problem. In fact, it can seriously aggravate the situation … without ever realising it, our own destructive attitudes may contribute to our sex problems. The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage 53
I discovered how I had used and abused sex to avoid closeness, love, and emotional intimacy, to prove my attractiveness, and to control others. From Survival to Recovery 62
Before S-Anon, I tried repeatedly to manipulate my spouse though sex … Reflections of Hope 124
Sane and sound ideal
The reestablishment of a satisfactory sex relationship may be brought about if both partners are willing to contribute to the partnership the patience, loyalty, respect, and honesty which are built into the Al-Anon programme. The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage 7
We were building trusting and loving sexual relationship. Our marriage is still a work in process. Reflections of Hope 124
Perfection
The drive for perfection—an unrealistic idealism—can be a neurotic symptom as difficult to deal with as the alcoholic’s compulsion to drink. ODAT 258
I am a recovering perfectionist. Al-Anon reminds me that ‘Easy Does It’, and teaches me to value ‘Progress Not Perfection’. How Al-Anon Works 221
I actually began to believe that I don’t have to be perfect to be good enough. How Al-Anon Works 340
I have learned that it’s about progress today, not perfection every day. Discovering Choices 309
As we take inventory, we remember that thoroughness is our aim, not perfection, and we use the principles of our programme as suggested in our CAL … S-Anon Twelve Steps 48
Helping others
By sharing what we have learned with those who know little about our programme but a great deal about the desperation of an alcoholic environment, we strengthen our own recovery while helping others. How Al-Anon Works 117
The helping of others over the same thorny path that one has already trod strengthens both travellers, the helper and the one being helped. How Al-Anon Works 160
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