Big Book Anon Workshop: Step 05

Having made our personal inventory, what shall we do about it? We have been trying to get a new attitude, a new relationship with our Creator, and to discover the obstacles in our path.

• The programme is about adjusting our relationship with God
• It's not about fixing small details whilst we remain sitting in God's throne (in our imagination)
• Our character defects (unhelpful beliefs, thinking, and behaviour) are not who we are: they're obstacles in the path
• This means that they are not us
• We are the driver—the decision-maker
• We are not the road (i.e. the setting we find ourselves in)
• We are not the destination (i.e. the purpose of our activities)
• We are certainly not the obstacles in the road (i.e. the character defects)

We have admitted certain defects; we have ascertained in a rough way what the trouble is; we have put our finger on the weak items in our personal inventory. Now these are about to be cast out.

• The casting out involves several steps:
• Step Five: confession
• Step Seven: prayer
• Step Nine: amends
• Step Twelve: telling the story

This requires action on our part, which, when completed, will mean that we have admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our defects. This brings us to the Fifth Step in the program of recovery mentioned in the preceding chapter.

• By admitting things to another, we are admitting them to ourselves and to God
• Note that Step Five is about the exact nature: it is not every example of wrongs
• For instance: I am pompous and arrogant
• I do not need to relate every example of me being pompous and arrogant
• But I might tell the story of throwing a garment on the floor of a clothes shop which refused to give me a refund or exchange, saying, 'Keep your filthy rag' and stamping the wooden floor
• (I made amends for that)
• There is room in the programme going forward to pore over ever detail
• Step Five is about getting an overview

This is perhaps difficult—especially discussing our defects with another person. We think we have done well enough in admitting these things to ourselves. There is doubt about that. In actual practice, we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient. Many of us thought it necessary to go much further. We will be more reconciled to discussing ourselves with another person when we see good reasons why we should do so. The best reason first: If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking. Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. Trying to avoid this humbling experience, they have turned to easier methods. Almost invariably they got drunk. Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. We think the reason is that they never completed their housecleaning. They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; they only thought they had humbled themselves. But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story.

• For alcoholics, failure to disclose the defects results in drinking
• As an anon, if I don't admit the defects, I am doomed to live them out forever
• 'As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.' (Proverbs 26:11)
• I am also likely to remain emotionally and mentally 'drunk'
• 'Who hath woe? who hath sorrow? who hath contentions? who hath babbling? who hath wounds without cause? who hath redness of eyes? ... Yea, thou shalt be as he that lieth down in the midst of the sea, or as he that lieth upon the top of a mast.' (Proverbs 23)
• This is a description of drunkenness.
• But equally applies to heightened emotional states of an out-of-control anon (= me on a bad day)
• The belief in personalised 'sin' and 'guilt' ('we did bad things so we're bad') is one of the big separators
• It suggests to me I'm different
• It induces me to compensate through external achievement, showing off, etc.
• It prompts me to blame others to take the focus off me
• Whatever I repress I become obsessed with
• Whatever I repress I project onto others
• Whatever I repress will find its way out
• Humility, fearlessness, and honesty:
• Humility: admitting our beliefs, thinking, and behaviour without explanation, exaggeration, minimisation, or distortion
• Fearlessness: doing the right thing even though we are frightened (of rejection, humiliation, scorn, having to change)
• Honesty: a spirit of openness and transparency

More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it.

The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his senses, he is revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As fast as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension—that makes for more drinking.

• The ego's unholy trinity comprises:
• Sin ('there's something wrong with me')
• Guilt ('it's my fault')
• Fear ('I deserve to be attacked')
• The fear is intolerable, so we project the sin outwards and see sin in others
• We then hold them guilty (judgement)
• Judgement produces anger, which settles down into resentment
• And the fear is masked, as we believe others are more deserving of attack than us
• From resentment stem all forms of spiritual disease ...
• ... which includes bad behaviour ...
• ... which reinforces sin, guilt, and fear

• The way out:
• Share the exact nature of the wrongs
• This separates me from the wrongs
• I cannot relate the wrongs and be them at the same time
• The 'sin' is removed by the unconditional love of the person listening
• This removes the guilt
• This removes the fear
• This removes the need to resent
• This removes the spiritual disease
• This removes the need to act out

Psychologists are inclined to agree with us. We have spent thousands of dollars for examinations. We know but few instances where we have given these doctors a fair break. We have seldom told them the whole truth nor have we followed their advice. Unwilling to be honest with these sympathetic men, we were honest with no one else. Small wonder many in the medical profession have a low opinion of alcoholics and their chance for recovery!

We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world. Rightly and naturally, we think well before we choose the person or persons with whom to take this intimate and confidential step. Those of us belonging to a religious denomination which requires confession must, and of course, will want to go to the properly appointed authority whose duty it is to receive it. Though we have no religious connection, we may still do well to talk with someone ordained by an established religion. We often find such a person quick to see and understand our problem. Of course, we sometimes encounter people who do not understand alcoholics.

• I share with people who have taken Step Five and use the Big Book to recover
• People who have not had the experience will not understand what we are doing
• Some people try to encourage Step Five-takers to redo their Step Four differently
• If the person has not been liberated themselves, they cannot easily offer the requisite unconditional love
• Note: person or persons
• I like to take Step Five with three people
• I share my inventory with three people
• I benefit from:
• The multiple perspectives
• The multiple instantiations of unconditional love
• The boredom I develop in relation to my own inventory
• Don't knock it till you have tried it!
• If you're unsure about this, listen to the following AA speakers:
• Paul Martin, Mark Houston, Joe Hawke, Gary Brown, Mike Lorentz

If we cannot or would rather not do this, we search our acquaintance for a close-mouthed, understanding friend. Perhaps our doctor or psychologist will be the person. It may be one of our own family, but we cannot disclose anything to our wives or our parents which will hurt them and make them unhappy. We have no right to save our own skin at another person’s expense. Such parts of our story we tell to someone who will understand, yet be unaffected. The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others.

• Best not to pick a family member
• If you want to pick a doctor or psychologist, fine, but what is wrong with the several million people in recovery?
• Don't share inventory about a person to the person
• Don't share inventory to someone who might otherwise be affected:
• If Susan is Bobby's best friend, don't share inventory about Susan to Bobby

Notwithstanding the great necessity for discussing ourselves with someone, it may be one is so situated that there is no suitable person available. If that is so, this step may be postponed, only, however, if we hold ourselves in complete readiness to go through with it at the first opportunity. We say this because we are very anxious that we talk to the right person. It is important that he be able to keep a confidence; that he fully understand and approve what we are driving at; that he will not try to change our plan. But we must not use this as a mere excuse to postpone.

• Pick someone who does not gossip
• Explain the process before the Step Five so both of you are clear what you're in for
• If you want feedback, clear it with the person that they are available and willing to provide this
• If you don't want feedback, clear it with the person that you just want someone to listen

When we decide who is to hear our story, we waste no time. We have a written inventory and we are prepared for a long talk. We explain to our partner what we are about to do and why we have to do it. He should realize that we are engaged upon a life-and-death errand. Most people approached in this way will be glad to help; they will be honored by our confidence.

We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past.

• Summarise the Step Four
• Twists of character
• What are the main demands arising out of the third column, in each of the seven areas of self?
• Give some good examples
• What are the main character defects arising out of the eight questions on page 67?
• Give some good examples
• What are you frightened of?
• What are the underlying fears?
• What are the patterns from the sex inventory?
• What is your sane and sound ideal for sex?
• Dark crannies of the past
• Who hurt you and how?
• Who have you hurt and how?
• What other secrets do you have?
• Be brief
• This is an overview conversation, not a blow-by-blow conversation
• It should take somewhere between 40 minutes and 2 hours
• Any longer and there is a risk of:
• Losing the overview
• Exaggerating the 'sin'

Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.

• These are the Step Five Promises
• They don't always materialise straight away

Returning home we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour, carefully reviewing what we have done. We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know Him better. Taking this book down from our shelf we turn to the page which contains the twelve steps. Carefully reading the first five proposals we ask if we have omitted anything, for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last. Is our work solid so far? Are the stones properly in place? Have we skimped on the cement put into the foundation? Have we tried to make mortar without sand?

If we can answer to our satisfaction, we then look at Step Six.

• Do this, literally
• Write down anything that comes to mind
• Share it with the Step Five hearer in question