Now we need more action, without which we find that “Faith without works is dead.” Let’s look at Steps Eight and Nine. We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven’t the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.
- The list of persons we have harmed comes from Step Four
- Where?
- The page 67 questions:
- The people we resented and harmed:
- 'Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man’s. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight.'
- I also ask this question: Whom have I wronged (= harmed) in all other areas (i.e. not just in relation to resentments)
- The page 69 sex inventory:
- 'We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault, what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it.'
- I brainstorm to see if there is anyone else I have missed
- I then perform the Step Eight exercise (see Annex 1: Step 08: instructions)
- This involves looking at three questions:
- (1) What did I do / say (or fail to do / say)?
- If I am struggling to identify what I did wrong, I can use lists of character defects (available on this blog and elsewhere) and/or read the book Alcoholics Anonymous (especially Chapters Seven, Eight, and Nine) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions to see if I am guilty of any of the defects or behaviour patterns described
- Sometimes the only way to find out what I have been doing wrong is to test myself against a comprehensive checklist (or checklists) of human failings
- This is particularly the case and often vital in close, enmeshed, or very troubled relationships
- Sometimes it's hard to untangle a complex situation
- If this is the case, I stand back and examine the situation using Annex 3: Step 08: Thorny situations
- If an action is not universally or self-evidently wrong, why was it wrong in this case?
- Particular behaviour was required or expected
- Given the particular social setting
- Given the preceding chain of events
- Given the position, nature, or character of the other person
- Etc.
- (2) What should I have done / said instead?
- This depends on what principle, rule, custom, or convention applies either universally, in the domain in question, or in the relationship in particular
- (3) Who suffered and how?
- To answer this, I look at different types of harm (see Annex 4: Step 08: Types of harm)
- If I did something wrong, I should have done something else instead, and someone suffered, I may have to make amends: I then 'pass the case' to Step Nine
- Why might I not have to make amends (which is a formal conversation and follow-up going beyond the scope of a simple apology?
- Sometimes one or more of the following are more appropriate:
- A simple apology
- An expression of gratitude
- A simple remedial action
- A change in behaviour going forward
- A change in strategy or tactic
- Nothing: the matter is simply too minor or isolated to require a remedy
- This examination is performed as part of Step Nine, however
- I then look at other ways in which my conduct towards others needs to be improved
- I do this by performing the 'sane and sound ideal' exercise (see Annex 2: Step 08: Sane and sound ideal)
- Why are we willing?
- We don't want to relapse into the old way of living (whether alcoholic drinking or alanonic thinking)
- We want better relationships
- We want to clear what blocks us from being maximally effective in the world
- Willingness applies across the whole of the Step Eight
- Consider the insanity of the following
- Being willing to do some of the dishes but deliberately leaving one fork dirty
- Being willing to pay for the avocados but shoplifting the red onions
- Being willing to put eczema cream on your foot but not your hand
- Being willing to treat the fleas on only the left-hand side of your cat
- Any unwillingness in these scenarios would mean a person has not understood the purpose of doing dishes, paying for goods, or treating dermatitis or fleas
- Being willing to make some amends but not others means you have not understood the nature of the exercise
- What if we're not willing?
- Pray for willingness
- Consider the above reasons for being willing
- Forgive the other person
- Work on the amends we are willing to make
- This will unlock the amends we're not willing to make
- Note the word all
- We have not completed Step Eight until we're willing to make amends to them all
- If a balloon is tied to the ground with one hundred strings, all one hundred need to be cut—if one string is still attached, the balloon is still attached to the ground
- A rowing boat only needs one hole in it to sink
- Only a tiny quantity of bacterium or virus is necessary to infect an entire body
- A rocket whose trajectory is off only by a small fraction will miss its target by a huge amount
- Right at the end of the process, there is a clean-up exercise: Annex 5: Step 08: Clean-up meditation
Annex 1: Step 08: instructions
For each person on your Step Four whom you have harmed and anyone else who comes to mind when you pray to be shown who ought to be on the list, take a separate small sheet of paper or index card and write:
Introduction:
Write out a brief description of the relationship with the person and the context.
Answer the three questions:
(1) What did I do / say (or fail to do / say)? *
(2) What should I have done / said instead? **
(3) Who suffered and how? ***
Look at questions (2) and (3) for each separate answer to (1) or in aggregate, depending on what will make most sense.
* Regarding (1)
Stick to the facts:
What would a CCTV camera have recorded?
What would a sound recorder have recorded?
Don't describe internal states ('I resented him')
Do describe actions ('I scowled at him and refused to answer his questions')
Don't be vague ('I disrespected him')
Do be specific ('I told him his taste in clothes was terrible')
Don't use figurative language ('I led him up the garden path')
Do use concrete language ('I told him the car had been serviced when it hadn't been')
Don't describe intention ('I manipulated him into giving me money')
Do describe facts ('I told him I was broke and asked for money')
Don't bundle in their response ('I persuaded him to leave his girlfriend') (persuasion involves the other person's compliance)
Do separate out my contribution ('I counselled him to leave his girlfriend')
Don't describe consequences ('I ruined his lawn')
Do describe causes ('I drove my Landrover Discovery over his lawn')
When describing verbal and other interactions, separately examine content, manner, tone, and timing
E.g. it might have been right to express dissatisfaction but not in the tone of voice used
E.g. it might have been right to terminate the conversation but not without warning the other person you were going to put down the phone before proceeding to do it
E.g. it might have been right to interrupt but not without the courtesy of signalling the interrupt and explaining why
E.g. it might have been right to separate from a partner but not by means of a blazing row in a restaurant
E.g. it might have been right to highlight a dereliction of duty but not the moment he came in from a stressful day at work
In complex interactions, examine each contribution to the interaction separately
** Regarding (2)
- This question is relevant because actions are wrong only if taking a different action would have been right
- For instance
- Hitting someone might be right if it's in self-defence
- Leaving someone might be right if to stay would cause more pain
- Criticising someone might be right if you're their manager and you're reviewing their performance
- Sometimes realising we did the right thing relieves us of inappropriate guilt
- Just because someone else reacted badly does not mean we did the wrong thing
- Just because there was a bad consequence does not mean we did the wrong thing
- Sometimes what we did was the best in the circumstances ...
- ... the consequences would otherwise have been far worse
- The 'right action' ...
- ... might stem from a universal principle (e.g. physical violence should only be a last resort, raising your voice is rarely warranted)
- ... might be more specific to the situation in question:
- Consider what rule or principle has been broken:
- Is the rule or principle a moral absolute?
- Or is it merely a custom or convention?
- NB breaching a custom or convention can require an amend just as much as breaching an universal or absolute rule or principle
- With the rule, principle, custom, or convention:
- It is universal?
- Or is it specific to a particular society; industry; cultural, religious, or social setting; organisation; institution; family; or relationship?
- Is it followed rarely, commonly, usually, or always?
- Do people legitimately differ in its observance?
- Do individuals vary over time in its observance?
- Am I holding myself to a higher, lower, or different standard than others?
- Did I overtly or covertly create a particular expectation regarding my future conduct?
- What would the other person have legitimately expected in the situation?
- For them, was 'the destination clearly printed on the ticket'?
- Examples of variation:
- What is right in business is largely a question of custom and expectation in the sector in question: chartered accountants transact differently than night-club promoters
- Some sections of society are untroubled by sexual promiscuity or casualness in relation to sex ...
- ... but other sections of society are greatly troubled and offended by these
- Bobby and Peter might tease each other mercilessly, but to them it's fun
- ... but if Andrew teases David, David might be upset because they don't have 'that kind of relationship'
- People who are particularly vulnerable (the young, the old, and the mentally, physically, or emotionally fragile or impaired) might require particular care
- Consider the respective roles of the individuals and their relationship
- There can be a greater duty of care on the part of someone senior, older, or with perceived or actual authority
Play through the various alternative courses of action and consider which would have caused the least harm / avoided the harm altogether
Don't worry if you would not have had the wit or wherewithal to act right in that situation: ask yourself only what the right thing would have been, in retrospect, knowing what you know now
*** Regarding (3)
See: Step 08: Types of harm
Annex 2: Step 08: Sane and sound ideal
The first nine Steps break down our old life and strip us away to the bone. But this is not all: if we are to build a new life, we must have a vision and a pathway. These come from God.
'Steps Eight and Nine are concerned with personal relations. First, we take a look backward and try to discover where we have been at fault; next we make a vigorous attempt to repair the damage we have done; and third, having thus cleaned away the debris of the past, we consider how, with our newfound knowledge of ourselves, we may develop the best possible relations with every human being we know.' (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Step Eight, paragraph 1)
Part of Steps Eight and Nine is therefore to ask God for this vision and pathway.
This restores our relationships with others, or in some cases builds entirely new ones.
The sane and sound ideal that we come up with for each major relationship, category of relationship (e.g. sponsees, pupils, cousins), or area (e.g. finances, work, housekeeping, house maintenance, local community, religious practice) evolves over time.
For each, ask:
What is the vision of God's will for me, what is the sane and sound ideal for my conduct in this area?
Consider long-term direction and what is required to move your life forward (i.e. big changes) as well as daily conduct (i.e. small changes).
Example:
Work:
- Seek to earn enough money to cover my costs and have a prudent reserve.
- Seek to be maximally helpful to my clients.
- Don't take on inappropriate work out of fear.
- Focus on doing the job effectively and efficiently.
- Leave work at work (don't think about it elsewhere).
- Be brief, simple, and courteous in my communications with clients.
Further tips
The sane and sound ideal will evolve over time. It should represent what we're currently working towards, to expand our lives to become the person the Higher Power always meant us to be.
It's a good idea to have a mix of the abstract and the concrete. Ideas, beliefs, attitudes, thinking, behaviour, specific practices.
It can have everything from the abstract 'patience' to 'never mention politics in front of Susan'; it can have everything from 'show kindness' to 'write all of my family members' birthdays in my diary and send them gifts in good time'.
Some 'don'ts' are probably necessary. But 'dos' are better than don'ts. We want to expand rather than contract.
Relationships with human beings, in particular, are difficult. To this end, certain other resources may be necessary for inspiration:
Basic resources
Any Al-Anon literature (go to the website or order e-books using the Books app on the iPhone, etc.)
The stories at the back of the Big Book
Step Twelve in the book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (plus some of the other Steps)
Chapters Seven to Eleven of the Big Book
Annex 3: Step 08: Thorny situations
If a situation is complex and thorny, write out:
Dramatis personae: that's the list of characters in the play. Who is involved in this situation? How do they relate to each other?
I write out who did what / said what, in the order it was done / said.
I strip out speculation, interpretation, and commentary.
I then look at each element for which I am responsible, in the context of what came before and the information available at the time, and apply the three columns of Step Eight:
(1) What did I do / say (or fail to do / say)?
(2) What should I have done / said instead?
(3) Who suffered and how?
Annex 4: Step 08: Types of harm
In Step Eight, I look at the different types of harm I cause.
Level one: point of impact
Physical injury
Damage to or theft of property
Monetary loss
Deprivation of time
Interference, intrusion, and nuisance
Unnecessary emotional suffering
Harm to relationships with third parties
Reputational harm
Level two: relationship level
Damage to the relationship: sometimes the incident is minor, but it causes a rupture in the relationship, and it is the rupture that is the harm. That rupture also deepens the sense of separation and perception of others' hostility, coldness, or distance.
Level three: spiritual harm
Standing in the way of someone's development: if I remain enmeshed in an enabling situation that prevents someone from hitting a rock bottom or learning to develop their own resources, I am blocking their development.
I am also doing the same if I fail to offer help that is genuinely needed to develop.
Misdirection: especially in recovery, I can either misdirect when I disturbed or mistaken or, maybe worse, when I set a bad example through my conduct.
Increasing separation: any action which divides rather than joins, including by encouraging separation, hostility, and ill-natured opposition in discussions.
Annex 5: Step 08: Clean-up meditation
Sit somewhere peaceful or go for a walk for one hour. Have a pen and piece of paper with you.
Ask God to show you any people in your life, present or past, with whom you have unfinished business (any sense of dis-ease).
What is unfinished business?
A harmful left unamended.
An apology left unmade.
Gratitude left unexpressed.
An obligation left unfulfilled.
A wrong (fancied or real) of theirs left unforgiven.
Write down the names.
When you've finished the meditation, take the list of names, and note down the appropriate action:
Make an amend.
Make an apology.
Express gratitude.
Fulfil an obligation.
Forgive a wrong.
Use the Steps Eight and Nine process to address the amends / apologies.
Use the forgiveness process from Step Four for the forgiveness of wrongs.
With the expression of gratitude / fulfilment of obligations: get to it.
When you have completed these, repeat the meditation.
When you can get through the hour without any new names coming up, you're done.
Comments
Post a Comment