When I'm doing a Step Eight on someone I have lived with or have otherwise had a close relationship with, I use checklists of behaviour to uncover what I might have done wrong.
Here are four. Pick one or more.
With each item identified, write out examples.
Chapters Seven to Nine: the spiritual 'dos'
A list of the 'dos' in Chapters Seven to Nine. Overly specific instructions have been ignored; what is set out below is a list of general spiritual principles. Duplicates are ignored.
Cooperate (89:3)
Be helpful (89:3)
Be patient (90:1)
Put yourself in the other person's place (90:2)
Wait (90:3)
Be sane (94:1)
Be quiet (94:1)
Be full of human understanding (94:1)
Offer friendship (95:1)
Offer fellowship (95:1)
Use discretion (96:3)
Concentrate on your own spiritual demonstration (98:3)
Be considerate (99:1)
Increase the pleasure of others (102:1)
Attend to your business enthusiastically (102:1)
Be of good temper (111:1)
Use your energies to promote a better understanding (115:3)
Defuse heated discussion (118:1)
Be tolerant (118:2)
Be loving (118:2)
Live and let live (118:2)
Show a willingness to remedy defects (118:2)
Count blessings (119:1)
Think of what you can put into life (120:0)
Cheer others up (120:1)
Ask how you can be helpful (120:1)
See what you can give (122:2)
Face and rectify errors and convert them into assets (124:1)
Be thankful (127:0)
Praise progress (127:0)
Be flexible ('yield here and there') (131:2)
Thoughtfully consider the needs of others (131:2)
Insist on enjoying life (132:1)
Cheerfully capitalise trouble (133:0)
First things first (135:5)
Easy does it (135:5)
Chapters Seven to Nine: the spiritual 'don'ts'
A list of the 'don'ts' in Chapters Seven to Nine. Overly specific instructions have been ignored; what is set out below is a list of general spiritual principles. Duplicates are ignored.
Criticising (89:3)
Forcing yourself on people (90:4)
Pleading hysterically (90:4)
Being over-anxious (91:0)
Putting pressure on people (91:2)
Moralising (91:3)
Lecturing (91:3)
Nagging (91:1)
Taking offence (94:1)
Being contradictory (94:2)
Wearing out your welcome (95:1)
Exhibiting passion for crusade or reform (95:1)
Talking down from a spiritual hilltop (95:1)
Prodding (95:3)
Pushing (95:3)
Discouragement (96:1)
Avoiding responsibilities (97:1)
Depending on people ahead of God (98:1)
Arguing (98:3)
Fault-finding (98:3)
Participating in the quarrels of others (100:2)
Thinking of what you can get out of a situation (102:0)
Withdrawing (102:1)
Intolerance (103:1)
Hatred (103:1)
Bitterness (103:2)
Hostility (103:2)
Fighting anything or anyone (103:3)
Condemnation (108:1)
Anger (111:0)
Being a killjoy (111:2)
Hurry (113:1)
Crowding people (113:2)
Taking sides in arguments (115:3)
Resentful or critical disagreement (117:3)
Expecting too much (118:2)
Urging attention for yourself (119:1)
Dampening enthusiasm (119:1)
Complaining (119:2)
Reminding others of spiritual deficiency (120:2)
Arranging others' lives (120:3)
Guiding the appointments or affairs of others (120:3)
Wrapping others in cotton wool (122:1)
Placing others on a pedestal (122:1)
Having fixed ideas about others' attitudes towards you (122:1)
Interest in having your wishes respected (122:1)
Demanding that others concede (122:1)
Playing the lead (122:2)
Arranging the show to your liking (122:2)
Measuring life against that of other years (123:1)
Reproach (123:3)
Digging up past misdeeds (124:3)
Gossip (125:2)
Ridicule (125:2)
Making careless or inconsiderate remarks (125:2)
Placing money first (127:1)
Self-pity (127:3)
Self-justification (127:3)
Rancour (134:3)
Bias (134:3)
Standing in judgment (135:2)
Pettiness ('making a burning issue out of ...') (135:2)
Step 06: Defects of conduct (including communication and interaction with others)
Arguing
Attention-seeking
Avoiding amends
Avoiding intimacy
Bad-temperedness
Being different to gain an identity
Bitching
Boasting
Brusqueness
Bullying
Charm
Choosing chaos
Choosing short-term gain over long-term pain
Coldness
Complaining
Complying just to gain approval
Compulsive busyness
Concealing the truth
Controlling
Criticising
Defensiveness
Dismissing people
Distortion
Dominating conversations
Duvet-diving
Exhibitionism
Fire-fighting (only dealing with the urgent)
Fishing for compliments
Fitting in to gain an identity
Fixing
Flattery
Focusing on people who don't like you
General
Giving people attention only when they ignore you
Giving to get
Gossiping
Graciousness
Ignoring people
Imbalance between different areas of life
Impatience
Impoliteness
Inaction
Inappropriate self-expression
Inconsistency
Indifference/apathy in dealings with others
Indiscretion
Inflexibility
Ingratiation
Interfering
Isolating
Lack of discipline
Lying
Making (excessive) demands
Malice
Managing situations
Manipulation
Martyrdom
Monkey-mind (mental restlessness)
Mothering
Neglect
Not asking for help
Not listening
Not playing enough
Not resting
Not setting boundaries
Not spending enough
Not working enough
Over-dependence
Overeating
Overspending
Overworking
Patronisation
Physical violence
Procrastination
Provocation
Pulling rank
Punishing
Rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic
Recklessness
Repeating mistakes and expecting different results
Retaliation
Sarcasm
Saying 'no' too often
Saying 'yes' too often
Scaring people
Secretiveness
Self-justification
Self-neglect
Shaming people
Showing off
Sloth
Stealing
Stealing other people's crises and making them your own
Stewing
Sticking your head in the sand
Taking people for granted
Verbal abuse
With other people:
Withdrawing
Withholding yourself
Step 06: Defects of manipulation
Manipulation: inappropriate means to get someone to act a particular way (in contrast to a polite request, legitimate overt or covert boundaries, and/or positive reinforcement)
(The following may be legitimate or illegitimate depending on context.)
Verbal anger
Making noise (with furniture, household objects, doors, windows, and vehicles)
Encroaching on physical space (including using vehicles)
Criticism
Blaming
Chiding
Inventory-taking
Ordering
Hostility
Argument
Nit-picking
Sophistry
Legalism
Threatening
Punishing
Shaming
Sighing
Face-pulling
Glaring
Ridiculing
Sarcasm
Interrupting
Talking over
Repetition
Long-windedness
Filibustering
Terseness
Incoherence
Rambling
Expressing grudging acceptance
Withholding thanks
Mismatch between tone and words
Running away
Storming out
Weeping
Expressions of upset
Expressions of victimhood
Expressions of good motive
Assertion of the reliance on God
Assertion of the reliance on prayer
Silence
Patchy engagement
Ignoring
Sullenness
Self-pity
Grumbling
Promises
Bribery
Flattery
Charm
Flirting
Seduction
Intermittent reward
Invoking favours
Invoking obligation
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