Big Book Anon Workshop: Step Twelve: Carrying the message

Set out below are quotations from the earlier chapters, followed by separate sections on the chapter Working With Others, To Wives, To Employers, and A Vision For You

Passages in blue are directly from the Book. Passages in black are personal commentary.

Earlier chapters

While I lay in the hospital the thought came that there were thousands of hopeless alcoholics who might be glad to have what had been so freely given me. Perhaps I could help some of them. They in turn might work with others. (Bill’s Story)

One key attribute of a spiritual awakening is the involuntary, irrepressible, and overpowering desire to help others

My wife and I abandoned ourselves with enthusiasm to the idea of helping other alcoholics to a solution of their problems. It was fortunate, for my old business associates remained skeptical for a year and a half, during which I found little work. I was not too well at the time, and was plagued by waves of self-pity and resentment. This sometimes nearly drove me back to drink, but I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day. Many times I have gone to my old hospital in despair. On talking to a man there, I would be amazingly lifted up and set on my feet. It is a design for living that works in rough going. (Bill’s Story)

Just because we're sober does not mean we do not still have problems of character defects
The solution is to be raised to a higher level
That is most rapidly achieved by helping others

All of us spend much of our spare time in the sort of effort which we are going to describe. A few are fortunate enough to be so situated that they can give nearly all their time to the work. (There Is A Solution)

'Much of our spare time' really means a very great deal of time
The effort they're going to describe is the effort of Step Twelve

Working With Others

Practical experience shows that nothing will so much ensure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when others fail. Remember they are very ill.

Carrying the message is the solution par excellence
Sometimes working on ourselves, talking to others about our problems, Step Eleven, etc. is insufficient
Note the use of the word intensive
Although extensive work is also required (see in particular There Is A Solution), intensive work is vital
This means work which involves internal 'deep diving' on the part both of sponsor and sponsee
There is a moral obligation: if they are not helped by us, they might not be helped at all

Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends—this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.

Seven promises

Life will take on new meaning

This does not necessarily mean that the old meaning is lost altogether
It means that an extra layer of meaning is added
This extra layer of meaning steps from efforts not results
Consequently, the meaning is down to our actions, not the world
This is a major source of spiritual security

To watch people recover

We have a part to play
But it becomes clear that whatever is happening is attributable in part to our action ...
... but with a much more powerful originating force behind that action

To see them help others

The observation is that we are starting a fire that then starts other fires
This is effectively a positive form of contagion
Since this chain effect persists over time, our efforts have an eternal effect
Our lives are no longer bound by the temporal and physical frame of our mortal existence
They extend in time and space way beyond the limits of an ordinary life

To watch loneliness vanish

In us and in others

To see a fellowship grow up about you

If you start meetings which are literature-based, solution-based, and God-based ...
... keep your own house in order ...
... and follow the instructions in this Book:
This will definitely happen

To have a host of friends

This is true even for those who are introverted or normally solitary
In other words special social skills or an aptitude for social intercourse are not required
What is required is carrying the message
This will produce a whole array of bonds
This in turn produces more security than will reliance on a very small number of very close relationships
Those close relationships are not lost
But they are reinforced and made more secure by the substrate of a larger fellowship

... the bright spot of our lives

This has two elements:

Frequent contact with newcomers

We need to be helping people who are in trouble
This hones our skills and reminds us of what is important
It reinforces in us the lessons we are apt to forget

Frequent contact with each other

We also need peers and people who are further ahead

Perhaps you are not acquainted with any drinkers who want to recover. You can easily find some by asking a few doctors, ministers, priests or hospitals. They will be only too glad to assist you. Don’t start out as an evangelist or reformer. Unfortunately a lot of prejudice exists. You will be handicapped if you arouse it. Ministers and doctors are competent and you can learn much from them if you wish, but it happens that because of your own drinking experience you can be uniquely useful to other alcoholics. So cooperate; never criticize. To be helpful is our only aim.

In most countries, we now have a service structure which formalises the process of carrying the message to professionals
Basic principles

Don't

Evangelise
Attempt to reform
Criticise

Explain AA
Tell your story
Cooperate
Offer help

When you discover a prospect for Alcoholics Anonymous, find out all you can about him. If he does not want to stop drinking, don’t waste time trying to persuade him. You may spoil a later opportunity. This advice is given for his family also. They should be patient, realizing they are dealing with a sick person.

Basic principles of carrying the message

The more you know about a person, the better you can place yourself in their shoes
Offer and explain but don't attempt to convince or persuade
'Don't pick unripe fruit'
Remember that you're dealing with people who aren't very well: they're not (usually) being difficult or obstructive on purpose

If there is any indication that he wants to stop, have a good talk with the person most interested in him— usually his wife. Get an idea of his behavior, his problems, his background, the seriousness of his condition, and his religious leanings. You need this information to put yourself in his place, to see how you would like him to approach you if the tables were turned.

Sometimes it is wise to wait till he goes on a binge. The family may object to this, but unless he is in a dangerous physical condition, it is better to risk it. Don’t deal with him when he is very drunk, unless he is ugly and the family needs your help. Wait for the end of the spree, or at least for a lucid interval. Then let his family or a friend ask him if he wants to quit for good and if he would go to any extreme to do so.

Timing is important: alcoholism, other additions, and anonism etc. go in waves
There is a point in the wave when carrying the message is most likely to be successful
This where the ego is temporarily beaten (or close enough to it)
Resignation and despair are common external manifestations of this
The two tests for whether it is worth proceeding with someone

Do they want to quit for good?

Note we achieve this one day at a time
But the aim is to quit for good
With anons, the questions might be different:

Do you want to be released from the bind of the other person's alcoholism (etc.)?
Do you want to be released from the bind of your own response to their alcoholism (etc.)?
Do you want to be released from the bind of your own response to the world more generally?

Are they willing to go to any extreme?

Note that 'Easy does it!', as a slogan, does not mean making leisurely efforts
It means proceeding with the programme diligently and methodically but without hurry, panic, or willfulfness
It also means being easygoing with others

If the answer is 'no' to either question, there might be room for more discussion ...
... but only if you feel that there is more information to convey
Once the information has been conveyed, stop and leave the person to think it over

If he says yes, then his attention should be drawn to you as a person who has recovered. You should be described to him as one of a fellowship who, as part of their own recovery, try to help others and who will be glad to talk to him if he cares to see you. If he does not want to see you, never force yourself upon him. Neither should the family hysterically plead with him to do anything, nor should they tell him much about you. They should wait for the end of his next drinking bout. You might place this book where he can see it in the interval. Here no specific rule can be given. The family must decide these things. But urge them not to be over-anxious, for that might spoil matters.

This manner of approach via the family is now unusual
Typically people are encountered because they're attending a meeting
Look for the principles in this passage as they might apply in other settings

Usually the family should not try to tell your story. When possible, avoid meeting a man through his family. Approach through a doctor or an institution is a better bet. If your man needs hospitalization, he should have it, but not forcibly unless he is violent. Let the doctor, if he will, tell him he has something in the way of a solution.

When your man is better, the doctor might suggest a visit from you. Though you have talked with the family, leave them out of the first discussion. Under these conditions your prospect will see he is under no pressure. He will feel he can deal with you without being nagged by his family. Call on him while he is still jittery. He may be more receptive when depressed.

A further important principle is introduced here:
There must be zero pressure
To recover, a huge amount of willingness is required, all day, every day, for a long time
No one can supply this externally or impose it
A person can be cajoled into working the programme for a bit
But as soon as the pressure is off, the person will lapse back ...
... and both your and their efforts prove wasted

See your man alone, if possible. At first engage in general conversation. After a while, turn the talk to some phase of drinking. Tell him enough about your drinking habits, symptoms, and experiences to encourage him to speak of himself. If he wishes to talk, let him do so. You will thus get a better idea of how you ought to proceed. If he is not communicative, give him a sketch of your drinking career up to the time you quit. But say nothing, for the moment, of how that was accomplished. If he is in a serious mood dwell on the troubles liquor has caused you, being careful not to moralize or lecture. If his mood is light, tell him humorous stories of your escapades. Get him to tell some of his.

Start with identification with the problem before proceeding towards the solution
Mention that there is a solution
But leave in-depth discussion of that until they've fully identified as having the same problem
Position yourself as a peer
Don't adopt a tone of superiority
Don't discuss moral rights and moral wrongs
Do discuss cause and effect
Do discuss actions and outcomes
In terms of tone, meet them where they are
If they are brisk and businesslike, match that
If they are fragile, be particularly gentle, etc.

When he sees you know all about the drinking game, commence to describe yourself as an alcoholic. Tell him how baffled you were, how you finally learned that you were sick. Give him an account of the struggles you made to stop. Show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. We suggest you do this as we have done it in the chapter on alcoholism. If he is alcoholic, he will understand you at once. He will match your mental inconsistencies with some of his own.

If they don't 'get it' straight away, you're probably barking up the wrong tree
This could be because they're not alcoholic
If could be because there are still too many layers of resistance
An alcoholic who is still 'committed' to their alcoholism has a vested interested in not identifying and not understanding what you're offering
'If they don't want it, you can't say anything right. If they do want it, you can't say anything wrong'

If you are satisfied that he is a real alcoholic, begin to dwell on the hopeless feature of the malady. Show him, from your own experience, how the queer mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power. Don’t, at this stage, refer to this book, unless he has seen it and wishes to discuss it. And be careful not to brand him as an alcoholic. Let him draw his own conclusion. If he sticks to the idea that he can still control his drinking, tell him that possibly he can—if he is not too alcoholic. But insist that if he is severely afflicted, there may be little chance he can recover by himself.

Ensure identification before going on to describe the 'prognosis' of the condition ('the hopeless feature')
Don't go onto the solution until the individual is certain they need it
Stick to the principles of what alcoholism is
Don't take the side of 'you're an alcoholic!' or they'll take the side of 'no, I'm not!'

Continue to speak of alcoholism as an illness, a fatal malady. Talk about the conditions of body and mind which accompany it. Keep his attention focused mainly on your personal experience. Explain that many are doomed who never realize their predicament. Doctors are rightly loath to tell alcoholic patients the whole story unless it will serve some good purpose. But you may talk to him about the hopelessness of alcoholism because you offer a solution. You will soon have your friend admitting he has many, if not all, of the traits of the alcoholic. If his own doctor is willing to tell him that he is alcoholic, so much the better. Even though your protégé may not have entirely admitted his condition, he has become very curious to know how you got well. Let him ask you that question, if he will. Tell him exactly what happened to you. Stress the spiritual feature freely. If the man be agnostic or atheist, make it emphatic that he does not have to agree with your conception of God. He can choose any conception he likes, provided it makes sense to him. The main thing is that he be willing to believe in a Power greater than himself and that he live by spiritual principles.

Explain the solution only if they show interest
Not occasionally refer to spiritual principles but live by spiritual principles

When dealing with such a person, you had better use everyday language to describe spiritual principles. There is no use arousing any prejudice he may have against certain theological terms and conceptions about which he may already be confused. Don’t raise such issues, no matter what your own convictions are.

Meet them 'where they are' in terms of spiritual / religious background

Your prospect may belong to a religious denomination. His religious education and training may be far superior to yours. In that case he is going to wonder how you can add anything to what he already knows. But he will be curious to learn why his own convictions have not worked and why yours seem to work so well. He may be an example of the truth that faith alone is insufficient. To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self-sacrifice and unselfish, constructive action. Let him see that you are not there to instruct him in religion. Admit that he probably knows more about it than you do, but call to his attention the fact that however deep his faith and knowledge, he could not have applied it or he would not drink. Perhaps your story will help him see where he has failed to practice the very precepts he knows so well. We represent no particular faith or denomination. We are dealing only with general principles common to most denominations.

Keep the focus off theology and on action
Note that it is action not belief or faith that brings about sobriety and other rewards
Action also brings about belief and faith
The 'sacrifice' is of the lower self and its insatiable demands

You're sacrificing a demon!

Action:

Should be for the common good
Should aim to construct, not deconstruct, not destroy

Outline the program of action, explaining how you made a self-appraisal, how you straightened out your past and why you are now endeavoring to be helpful to him. It is important for him to realize that your attempt to pass this on to him plays a vital part in your own recovery. Actually, he may be helping you more than you are helping him. Make it plain he is under no obligation to you, that you hope only that he will try to help other alcoholics when he escapes his own difficulties. Suggest how important it is that he place the welfare of other people ahead of his own. Make it clear that he is not under pressure, that he needn’t see you again if he doesn’t want to. You should not be offended if he wants to call it off, for he has helped you more than you have helped him. If your talk has been sane, quiet and full of human understanding, you have perhaps made a friend. Maybe you have disturbed him about the question of alcoholism. This is all to the good. The more hopeless he feels, the better. He will be more likely to follow your suggestions.

If there is any sense that the sponsor is getting anything back from the sponsee directly, even approval, obedience, agreement, etc., this makes the relationship transactional
It's important to stress that the individual is perfectly at liberty to disagree with you or follow another path
(Although then you might have no further business with each other)
Three principles in dealing with prospective or actual sponsees:

Be sane
Be quiet
Be full of human understanding

Don't shy away from telling the truth about the condition or the solution
Louise C would say: 'You might as well tell them the truth; they're gonna die anyway'

Your candidate may give reasons why he need not follow all of the program. He may rebel at the thought of a drastic housecleaning which requires discussion with other people. Do not contradict such views. Tell him you once felt as he does, but you doubt whether you would have made much progress had you not taken action. On your first visit tell him about the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. If he shows interest, lend him your copy of this book.

Don't engage in argument
If they try to argue, simply say you're not going to go down that path
You're here only to offer and explain, not to convince or persuade

Unless your friend wants to talk further about himself, do not wear out your welcome. Give him a chance to think it over. If you do stay, let him steer the conversation in any direction he likes. Sometimes a new man is anxious to proceed at once, and you may be tempted to let him do so. This is sometimes a mistake. If he has trouble later, he is likely to say you rushed him. You will be most successful with alcoholics if you do not exhibit any passion for crusade or reform. Never talk down to an alcoholic from any moral or spiritual hilltop; simply lay out the kit of spiritual tools for his inspection. Show him how they worked with you. Offer him friendship and fellowship. Tell him that if he wants to get well you will do anything to help.

This emphasises the principle discussed above: offer and explain; don't convince or persuade
If they want to go through the Steps with you, it's a good idea to make sure they're thoroughly willing to take very concerted action until it's done
Lay out what that consists of in terms of time commitment (e.g. a minimum 1 hour per day on working days and 2 hours per day on non-working days, plus a big proportion of the individual's free time)

The process was designed to be quick
People who progress slowly almost never finish
If they do, the ego has often had time to rebuild as the individual proceeds
Sometimes the spiritual / psychological / emotional effect is lost entirely if drip-fed over many months or years
By the time they finish, they'e in as bad a state as they started in and they're ripe for reengaging from the beginning!
The first nine Steps should ideally be completed in six weeks to three months

Give them time to consider
If they're happy to commit to that, go for it
Show personal indifference as to whether they agree with you or do what you suggest
But be pleasant
The 'friendship' offered is necessarily more boundaried than an ordinary friendship

Can you sponsor a friend?

If you sponsor them, you stop being their friend during the sponsorship
At the very least be clear which had you're wearing when you're talking to them
Then resume the friendship as and when the sponsorship ends

There is a friendship-like relationship during sponsorship

Ideally, the relationship is reasonably cordial
There should be room for a little fun and joking around
This lightens the atmosphere and helps the important work be done
But the nature of a sponsorship relationship is that either may walk away at any point without no warning, no guilt, no need to offer an explanation, and no obligation
This is very different than ordinary friendship
The sponsor must be able to point out unpleasant things, make unwanted suggestions, and make continuation of the sponsorship conditional on certain action
Again, these would not be appropriate in friendship
The sponsor must also be completely neutral: if the sponsor fears loss of approval or friendship, this may prevent him or her from saying what he or she should say as a sponsor

If he is not interested in your solution, if he expects you to act only as a banker for his financial difficulties or a nurse for his sprees, you may have to drop him until he changes his mind. This he may do after he gets hurt some more.

We're here to help people access a power greater than themselves which will solve their problems
We're not here to solve their problems
The sprees in question could be emotional sprees: we're not here for those, either
The fellowship and the individual's friends and family are there for the broad spectrum of emotional support
We do encourage and help build up the individual's confidence in themselves and in the fellowship, the programme, and God
But we're there mainly to explain principles and suggest actions
We can't be all things to sponsees, or they risk becoming over-dependent on us
It is better to do the one thing well which no one else has the authority to do: to steer the sponsee through the programme
Encourage the sponsee to build a wide and strong support network of people to help meet other emotional, psychological, social, and spiritual needs
Be very prepared to drop sponsees if they do not readily, promptly, and enthusiastically take up what is offered

If he is sincerely interested and wants to see you again, ask him to read this book in the interval. After doing that, he must decide for himself whether he wants to go on. He should not be pushed or prodded by you, his wife, or his friends. If he is to find God, the desire must come from within. If he thinks he can do the job in some other way, or prefers some other spiritual approach, encourage him to follow his own conscience. We have no monopoly on God; we merely have an approach that worked with us. But point out that we alcoholics have much in common and that you would like, in any case, to be friendly. Let it go at that.

Never make up for a sponsee's lack of willingness by being overly enthusiastic
Be encouraging and help resolve doubts but do not try to fix or override a fundamental mistrust of you, the programme, or God

Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy. One of our Fellowship failed entirely with his first half dozen prospects. He often says that if he had continued to work on them, he might have deprived many others, who have since recovered, of their chance.

If a sponsee stops contacting you, don't contact them
They're not contacting you, because they don't want to talk to you
If they do want to talk to you but are choosing not to out of fear, pride, or other ego manifestations, and you circumvent that by contacting them, you're teaching them that they do not need to take responsibility for choosing right over wrong because you will do it for them
This prevents them from working out what their priorities are, where their loyalties lie, and acquiring the skill of seeking God's will and the power to carry that out

Suppose now you are making your second visit to a man. He has read this volume and says he is prepared to go through with the Twelve Steps of the program of recovery. Having had the experience yourself, you can give him much practical advice. Let him know you are available if he wishes to make a decision and tell his story, but do not insist upon it if he prefers to consult someone else.

The job of the sponsor is to share practical experience on how to go through the Steps (including the usual understanding of the principles of the programme)
The individual is responsible for going through the Steps themselves
We don't really 'take them through the Steps'
They 'take themselves' through the Steps
We provide them with the materials to do this, signpost, and answer questions along the way
We're the map and the rudder, not the navigator, not the ship, not the wind, not the waves, not the crew
Be wary of explaining things that the individual could work out for themselves by reading, thinking, praying, and meditating
Many sponsees want you to work the programme for them
Resist this

He may be broke and homeless. If he is, you might try to help him about getting a job, or give him a little financial assistance. But you should not deprive your family or creditors of money they should have. Perhaps you will want to take the man into your home for a few days. But be sure you use discretion. Be certain he will be welcomed by your family, and that he is not trying to impose upon you for money, connections, or shelter. Permit that and you only harm him. You will be making it possible for him to be insincere. You may be aiding in his destruction rather than his recovery.

I take a much stricter stand than this
I never lend money or let alcoholics stay in my home
I never provide other material help
I will help individuals access a Higher Power
I will point individuals towards individuals and agencies that can help with practical matters

Never avoid these responsibilities, but be sure you are doing the right thing if you assume them. Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery. A kindly act once in a while isn’t enough. You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be. It may mean the loss of many nights’ sleep, great interference with your pleasures, interruptions to your business. It may mean sharing your money and your home, counseling frantic wives and relatives, innumerable trips to police courts, sanitariums, hospitals, jails and asylums. Your telephone may jangle at any time of the day or night. Your wife may sometimes say she is neglected. A drunk may smash the furniture in your home, or burn a mattress. You may have to fight with him if he is violent. Sometimes you will have to call a doctor and administer sedatives under his direction. Another time you may have to send for the police or an ambulance. Occasionally you will have to meet such conditions.

We seldom allow an alcoholic to live in our homes for long at a time. It is not good for him, and it sometimes creates serious complications in a family.

I divert from this significantly
I take my Twelfth-Step responsibilities seriously and spend much time trying to be of service in AA, including through sponsorship
Acting 'the Good Samaritan' every day is indeed vital
This certainly involves significant interruption to leisure activities
However:

My phone is off at night

If AAs need help at night, they need to ask around at meetings for people who are up at night
I have many obligations during the day
It is not fair on those who are the beneficiaries of the work I do during the day if I perform badly or not at all because I am exhausted or unavailable
In other words: if someone has a 'need' at night, that does not take precedence over those who have 'needs' during the day

Similarly, with interruptions to business: missing deadlines, under-performing, or otherwise providing a bad service to my clients or employers does not become fair or ethical because 'I'm helping alcoholics'
I do work fewer hours in my day job than I would were I not an AA member, but I do not allow AA 'demands' to 'trump' existing prior obligations
The altered balance between work and other balance is structural
I maintain clear boundaries between the times when serving God directly takes precedence and the times when the fulfilment of worldly obligations take precedence
Furthermore, it is not morally right to treat my family badly because 'I'm helping alcoholics'
I do not fight people: If they are aggressive or violent with me, I call the police
I am not medically qualified and it is not appropriate for me to try to do the job of doctor, nurse, or paramedic
I can help the individual access legitimate medical assistance, however
There is no necessity to bring a drinking or otherwise unstable alcoholic or addict into my home, either for a visit or to stay
The message, to be carried, does not require me to be in my home: it can be carried in cafes, before or after meetings, on walks, or using telecommunications
If they have nowhere to live or no money, help them contact the relevant public agencies or charities that can help them
Giving people money or lodging rather than helping them to get a job, access benefits, or secure accommodation sends the message that they cannot be expected to look after themselves and should find other adults to caretake them like children
Note that the above are general principles: I'm not discounting the possibility there may be very occasional exceptions

Though an alcoholic does not respond, there is no reason why you should neglect his family. You should continue to be friendly to them. The family should be offered your way of life. Should they accept and practice spiritual principles, there is a much better chance that the head of the family will recover. And even though he continues to drink, the family will find life more bearable.

I've almost never encountered a family who is interested in the spiritual way of life
Very occasionally people show an interest in Al-Anon
I then point them towards Al-Anon members I know or do the twelfth-stepping myself, as appropriate

For the type of alcoholic who is able and willing to get well, little charity, in the ordinary sense of the word, is needed or wanted. The men who cry for money and shelter before conquering alcohol, are on the wrong track. Yet we do go to great extremes to provide each other with these very things, when such action is warranted. This may seem inconsistent, but we think it is not.

It is not the matter of giving that is in question, but when and how to give. That often makes the difference between failure and success. The minute we put our work on a service plane, the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job—wife or no wife—we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.

Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.

Bill does not explain clearly when giving accommodation or money is 'warranted'
It is also unclear what 'going to great extremes' to give people accommodation or money means
By contrast, I have seen very many instances over the years of significant problems arising because money or accommodation is provided
Giving in this way almost always creates a sense of ongoing entitlement and even contempt for the donor
This is the case even where the person is ostensibly sincere, reasonable, and otherwise diligent with the programme
There is the broader principle, of recovery (and of thriving and being happy) being dependent on:

Trusting God
Cleaning house
[And helping others]

Both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress. If you persist, remarkable things will happen. When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands were better than anything we could have planned. Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!

These are some of the Step Twelve promises
They essentially promise the following:

Placing ourselves in God's hands and securing the optimal outcome from life as a result
Having a great life (internally and externally) regardless of circumstances

When working with a man and his family, you should take care not to participate in their quarrels. You may spoil your chance of being helpful if you do. But urge upon a man’s family that he has been a very sick person and should be treated accordingly. You should warn against arousing resentment or jealousy. You should point out that his defects of character are not going to disappear overnight. Show them that he has entered upon a period of growth. Ask them to remember, when they are impatient, the blessed fact of his sobriety.

As a sponsor, remain neutral
This includes when a sponsee comes to you complaining of a family member (or anyone else)
Never side with them: they're giving you only their side of the story
Always assume that what you're being told is not necessarily entirely faithful and, moreover, is never the entire picture
Counsel the sponsee (and others) towards patience, tolerance, and gratitude

If you have been successful in solving your own domestic problems, tell the newcomer’s family how that was accomplished. In this way you can set them on the right track without becoming critical of them. The story of how you and your wife settled your difficulties is worth any amount of criticism.

When the subject matter is thorny, use 'I' not 'you' statements

To Wives

Carrying the message within the family or similar

Let’s now go back to husband number one. Oddly enough, he is often difficult to deal with. He enjoys drinking. It stirs his imagination. His friends feel closer over a highball. Perhaps you enjoy drinking with him yourself when he doesn’t go too far. You have passed happy evenings together chatting and drinking before your fire. Perhaps you both like parties which would be dull without liquor. We have enjoyed such evenings ourselves; we had a good time. We know all about liquor as a social lubricant. Some, but not all of us, think it has its advantages when reasonably used.

The first principle of success is that you should never be angry. Even though your husband becomes unbearable and you have to leave him temporarily, you should, if you can, go without rancor. Patience and good temper are most necessary.

Don't be angry
If you have to detach from someone (leaving the relationship temporarily or permanently) or otherwise not engage, be pleasant in how you do it
When doing so, usually inform them, but don't go into detail why: it rarely helps
'Adults don't have to answer questions'
If they need to 'understand' they can find someone to review their behaviour with: this will usually answer their question
Otherwise:

Be patient
Be good-tempered (this means be jolly, pleasant, and optimistic in your words and manner even if you don't quite feel it)

Our next thought is that you should never tell him what he must do about his drinking. If he gets the idea that you are a nag or a killjoy, your chance of accomplishing anything useful may be zero. He will use that as an excuse to drink more. He will tell you he is misunderstood. This may lead to lonely evenings for you. He may seek someone else to console him— not always another man.

Do not tell people what to do about anything (at least in specific situations: we can set out general principles or advise general courses of action based on experience and what has been shared with us)
The only exception is if someone is being harmed, especially someone who is vulnerable: in that case, do not pull your punches or mince your words

Be determined that your husband’s drinking is not going to spoil your relations with your children or your friends. They need your companionship and your help. It is possible to have a full and useful life, though your husband continues to drink. We know women who are unafraid, even happy under these conditions. Do not set your heart on reforming your husband. You may be unable to do so, no matter how hard you try.

Live life to the full and enjoy it whatever is happening in your life or the world

Freedom from fear is available under all circumstances
Happiness is available under all circumstances

Do not try to reform others

[Maybe God's will for you is to engage in reform at a community or societal level: if so, so be it, and follow the remainder of the principles of the programme, including the Traditions and the Concepts, to guide you on how to do that]

Do not make yourself emotionally dependent on others changing or problems being solved

We know these suggestions are sometimes difficult to follow, but you will save many a heartbreak if you can succeed in observing them. Your husband may come to appreciate your reasonableness and patience. This may lay the groundwork for a friendly talk about his alcoholic problem. Try to have him bring up the subject himself. Be sure you are not critical during such a discussion. Attempt instead, to put yourself in his place. Let him see that you want to be helpful rather than critical.

Reasonableness and patience are needed for the person you're trying to help to relax and open up
With the person you're helping, keep the mood friendly
Let people ask for help: do not offer it unless it is asked for
Avoid criticism at all costs
Put yourself in their shoes

If he is enthusiastic your cooperation will mean a great deal. If he is lukewarm or thinks he is not an alcoholic, we suggest you leave him alone. Avoid urging him to follow our program. The seed has been planted in his mind. He knows that thousands of men, much like himself, have recovered. But don’t remind him of this after he has been drinking, for he may be angry. Sooner or later, you are likely to find him reading the book once more. Wait until repeated stumbling convinces him he must act, for the more you hurry him the longer his recovery may be delayed.

Wait for suffering to prompt the individual to seek help

There are exceptions. Some men have been so impaired by alcohol that they cannot stop. Sometimes there are cases where alcoholism is complicated by other disorders.

With sponsees with mental illness: offer them the programme anyway
Either they can and do follow the instructions or they don't
If they cannot or do not, at least you tried

Frequently, you have felt obliged to tell your husband’s employer and his friends that he was sick, when as a matter of fact he was tight. Avoid answering these inquiries as much as you can. Whenever possible, let your husband explain. Your desire to protect him should not cause you to lie to people when they have a right to know where he is and what he is doing. Discuss this with him when he is sober and in good spirits. Ask him what you should do if he places you in such a position again. But be careful not to be resentful about the last time he did so.

Never make excuses for (other) alcoholics
Never cover up for them

To Employers

Nearly every modern employer feels a moral responsibility for the well-being of his help, and he tries to meet these responsibilities. That he has not always done so for the alcoholic is easily understood. To him the alcoholic has often seemed a fool of the first magnitude. Because of the employee’s special ability, or of his own strong personal attachment to him, the employer has sometimes kept such a man at work long beyond a reasonable period. Some employers have tried every known remedy. In only a few instances has there been a lack of patience and tolerance. And we, who have imposed on the best of employers, can scarcely blame them if they have been short with us.

When an alcoholic seems dumb, the chances are they're just being alcoholic

The 'dumb' behaviour could pertain to the drinking or acting out
Or it could stem from being in the grip of a condition that affects the person at every level of their being

Don't keep a sponsee on beyond the point at which your sponsorship stops helping, just because they're 'special' or because you have a personal attachment to them
Some employers have tried every known remedy: similarly with sponsorship; if it doesn't 'take' and the person does not benefit from what you offer, suggest they find someone else
When people are short with me, I ask: did I provoke it?
When I am short with others, I ask:

Why am I in this situation in the first place?
Should I be in this relationship?
If I am frustrated is it because I'm try to achieve something which cannot be achieved?

If you desire to help it might be well to disregard your own drinking, or lack of it. Whether you are a hard drinker, a moderate drinker or a teetotaler, you may have some pretty strong opinions, perhaps prejudices. Those who drink moderately may be more annoyed with an alcoholic than a total abstainer would be. Drinking occasionally, and understanding your own reactions, it is possible for you to become quite sure of many things which, so far as the alcoholic is concerned, are not always so. As a moderate drinker, you can take your liquor or leave it alone. Whenever you want to, you control your drinking. Of an evening, you can go on a mild bender, get up in the morning, shake your head and go to business. To you, liquor is no real problem. You cannot see why it should be to anyone else, save the spineless and stupid.

Your sponsees may be built differently than you
Things you find difficult or impossible, they find easy, and vice versa
Offer what you can; but don't assume everyone is willing and able to do what you have done

When dealing with an alcoholic, there may be a natural annoyance that a man could be so weak, stupid and irresponsible. Even when you understand the malady better, you may feel this feeling rising.

Apply this more generally: when people appear weak, stupid, or irresponsible, maybe they are in the thrall of powers greater than themselves, in their conscious or subconscious minds, driving them to believe, think, and act as they do
Treat disagreeable beliefs, thinking, and behaviour and the people displaying them as suffering from a malady

Can you discard the feeling that you are dealing only with habit, with stubbornness, or a weak will? If this presents difficulty, re-reading chapters two and three, where the alcoholic sickness is discussed at length might be worth while. You, as a business man, want to know the necessities before considering the result. If you concede that your employee is ill, can he be forgiven for what he has done in the past? Can his past absurdities be forgotten? Can it be appreciated that he has been a victim of crooked thinking, directly caused by the action of alcohol on his brain?

As above, with disagreeable people:

It might be deep programming, not habit
It might be powerlessness, not stubbornness or weak will
View people as powerless not guilty

This is not to say that all alcoholics are honest and upright when not drinking. Of course that isn’t so, and such people often may impose on you. Seeing your attempt to understand and help, some men will try to take advantage of your kindness. If you are sure your man does not want to stop, he may as well be discharged, the sooner the better. You are not doing him a favor by keeping him on. Firing such an individual may prove a blessing to him. It may be just the jolt he needs. I know, in my own particular case, that nothing my company could have done would have stopped me for, so long as I was able to hold my position, I could not possibly realize how serious my situation was. Had they fired me first, and had they then taken steps to see that I was presented with the solution contained in this book, I might have returned to them six months later, a well man.

Don't let sponsees take advantage of you in any way
If there is any indication that they do not want to stop drinking, let them go
(But leave the door open for them to return)
If someone otherwise does not play ball, drop them
Sometimes people need serious consequences (due to drinking or sober beliefs, thinking, and behaviour) before they are willing to change

Next he can be assured that you do not intend to lecture, moralize, or condemn; that if this was done formerly, it was because of misunderstanding. If possible express a lack of hard feeling toward him. At this point, it might be well to explain alcoholism, the illness. Say that you believe he is a gravely ill person, with this qualification—being perhaps fatally ill, does he want to get well? You ask, because many alcoholics, being warped and drugged, do not want to quit. But does he? Will he take every necessary step, submit to anything to get well, to stop drinking forever?

The tests for a new sponsee:

Does he want to get well?
Will he take every necessary step?
Will he submit to anything ...
... to get well?
Does he want to stop drinking forever?

If he says yes, does he really mean it, or down inside does he think he is fooling you, and that after rest and treatment he will be able to get away with a few drinks now and then? We believe a man should be thoroughly probed on these points. Be satisfied he is not deceiving himself or you.

Even when they say 'yes', establish:

Does he really mean it?
Does he think that this just a pit-stop?
Does he think that he can return to drinking?
... or any other form of acting out?
Does he think he can be happy with a material existence?
Or does he understand that living a spiritual life is the only way to recover and be happy?

Note the phrase: thorough probing!

Whether you mention this book is a matter for your discretion. If he temporizes and still thinks he can ever drink again, even beer, he might as well be discharged after the next bender which, if an alcoholic, he is almost certain to have. He should understand that emphatically. Either you are dealing with a man who can and will get well or you are not. If not, why waste time with him? This may seem severe, but it is usually the best course.

If there is equivocation from a sponsee, drop them
If they drink again, suggest they work with someone else
(Sometimes giving them one more chance is necessary, but it's very rare for people who slip once to get sober with that sponsor)
Maybe the person cannot or will not get well
If so, you're wasting your time
That time could be devoted to your other obligations, within the world of recovery and outside of it

After satisfying yourself that your man wants to recover and that he will go to any extreme to do so, you may suggest a definite course of action. For most alcoholics who are drinking, or who are just getting over a spree, a certain amount of physical treatment is desirable, even imperative. The matter of physical treatment should, of course, be referred to your own doctor. Whatever the method, its object is to thoroughly clear mind and body of the effects of alcohol. In competent hands, this seldom takes long nor is it very expensive. Your man will fare better if placed in such physical condition that he can think straight and no longer craves liquor. If you propose such a procedure to him, it may be necessary to advance the cost of treatment, but we believe it should be made plain that any expense will later be deducted from his pay. It is better for him to feel fully responsible.

Two conditions:

Does he want to recover?
Is he willing to go to any extreme to do so?

Note: a definite course of action
It is action that gets us well
Note that physical treatment is brief
The point is to get over the craving (see The Doctor's Opinion for more details about this)
Note the principle of being fully self-supporting through one's own contributions right from the start

If your man accepts your offer, it should be pointed out that physical treatment is but a small part of the picture. Though you are providing him with the best possible medical attention, he should understand that he must undergo a change of heart. To get over drinking will require a transformation of thought and attitude. We all had to place recovery above everything, for without recovery we would have lost both home and business.

Not only is physical treatment but a small part of the picture ...
... recovery and well-being start from the inside and work outwards, not the other way round ...
... although certain physical measures may need to be taken straight away when a person gets into recovery
What is required is a change of:

Heart (where our loyalties lie: self or God)
Thought (what our minds 'work on', in real time)
Attitudes (underlying beliefs)

Priority: recovery first

Can you have every confidence in his ability to recover? While on the subject of confidence, can you adopt the attitude that so far as you are concerned this will be a strictly personal matter, that his alcoholic derelictions, the treatment about to be undertaken, will never be discussed without his consent? It might be well to have a long chat with him on his return.

Be discreet, particularly about someone else's recovery

To return to the subject matter of this book: It contains full suggestions by which the employee may solve his problem. To you, some of the ideas which it contains are novel. Perhaps you are not quite in sympathy with the approach we suggest. By no means do we offer it as the last word on this subject, but so far as we are concerned, it has worked with us. After all, are you not looking for results rather than methods? Whether your employee likes it or not, he will learn the grim truth about alcoholism. That won’t hurt him a bit, even though he does not go for this remedy.

We take the lead in solving our problems...
... but it is ultimately God who solves the problem
This echoes Concept VI: chief initiative and active responsibility lie with us
... and Concept I: final responsibility and ultimate authority lie with God
Note the singular: problem. Just one
Principles of Step Twelve

We offer to others what worked for us
We judge methods a posteriori (based on results) rather than a priori (based on principles)

We suggest you draw the book to the attention of the doctor who is to attend your patient during treatment. If the book is read the moment the patient is able, while acutely depressed, realization of his condition may come to him.

The message goes in best when someone is down
Depression can be a sign that the ego is on the verge of defeat
However: it has not yet been fully defeated, because the individual still believes in the ego's perception of the universe
When the ego is completely defeated, it temporarily evaporates and the individual is lifted up
Carrying the message to someone depressed can represent the final nudge to let go of the ego's perception ...
... and adopt God's perception, as filtered through AA
Someone with a more intact ego will simply defend themselves

We hope the doctor will tell the patient the truth about his condition, whatever that happens to be. When the man is presented with this volume it is best that no one tell him he must abide by its suggestions. The man must decide for himself.

Principles of Step Twelve

No orders per se
Following the programme must be voluntary
They act like they're following orders
But they're really taking your suggestions and turning them into their own commitment

It boils right down to this: No man should be fired just because he is alcoholic. If he wants to stop, he should be afforded a real chance. If he cannot or does not want to stop, he should be discharged. The exceptions are few.

We think this method of approach will accomplish several things. It will permit the rehabilitation of good men. At the same time you will feel no reluctance to rid yourself of those who cannot or will not stop. Alcoholism may be causing your organization considerable damage in its waste of time, men and reputation. We hope our suggestions will help you plug up this sometimes serious leak. We think we are sensible when we urge that you stop this waste and give your worthwhile man a chance.

This principle applies in sponsorship too:

Encourage sponsees to grab the programme with both hands
If they don't, let them go
You'll be wasting your time and theirs, otherwise

It is not to be expected that an alcoholic employee will receive a disproportionate amount of time and attention. He should not be made a favorite. The right kind of man, the kind who recovers, will not want this sort of thing. He will not impose. Far from it. He will work like the devil and thank you to his dying day.

Do not give any one sponsee a disproportionate amount of time and attention
Do not have favourites
Anyone who wants special treatment is unlikely to recover: they're after something else
The signs of someone who will recover

They do not impose
They work like the devil

A Vision For You

“How is that to come about?” you ask. “Where am I to find these people?”

You are going to meet these new friends in your own community. Near you, alcoholics are dying helplessly like people in a sinking ship. If you live in a large place, there are hundreds. High and low, rich and poor, these are future fellows of Alcoholics Anonymous. Among them you will make lifelong friends. You will be bound to them with new and wonderful ties, for you will escape disaster together and you will commence shoulder to shoulder your common journey. Then you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life. You will learn the full meaning of “Love thy neighbor as thyself.”

Instruction: 'give of yourself'
Purpose: 'that others may survive and rediscover life'
Could there be a greater purpose in living?
The comments about the prevalence of the problem are as true today as when they were first written
My job is not done until everyone in my community with a problem has had alcoholism and its solution adequately explained to them
The ties with other people in recovery are different than ties with people outside the fellowship
They are not necessarily stronger, as we can have strong ties with others, but the nature of these ties is different
This passage ('escape disaster together' + 'commence shoulder to shoulder') echoes the first few lines of Chapter Two, which talk about the common problem and the common solution
The solution is conscious unity with others

Tradition I: common welfare
Loving others as ourselves (through a benevolent, charitable attitude and action)
This means we need to treat ourselves with love, as well (through a benevolent, charitable attitude and looking after ourselves)

But life was not easy for the two friends. Plenty of difficulties presented themselves. Both saw that they must keep spiritually active. One day they called up the head nurse of a local hospital. They explained their need and inquired if she had a first class alcoholic prospect.

Keeping spiritually active = trying to carry the message to other alcoholics

A year and six months later these three had succeeded with seven more. Seeing much of each other, scarce an evening passed that someone’s home did not shelter a little gathering of men and women, happy in their release, and constantly thinking how they might present their discovery to some newcomer. In addition to these casual get-togethers, it became customary to set apart one night a week for a meeting to be at tended by anyone or everyone interested in a spiritual way of life. Aside from fellowship and sociability, the prime object was to provide a time and place where new people might bring their problems.

Meet daily with others
Always recall the release from alcoholics: this gratitude is a key element in happiness
What are we supposed to think about? How we present what we have learned to newcomers
Be willing to share the spiritual life with anyone
Be willing to help people with their problems
The meetings have three elements:

Helping people with problems
Fellowship (common problem and common solution)
Sociability

The very practical approach to his problems, the absence of intolerance of any kind, the informality, the genuine democracy, the uncanny understanding which these people had were irresistible. He and his wife would leave elated by the thought of what they could now do for some stricken acquaintance and his family. They knew they had a host of new friends; it seemed they had known these strangers always. They had seen miracles, and one was to come to them. They had visioned the Great Reality—their loving and All Powerful Creator.

Guidelines for meetings

Practical approach to problems
No intolerance
Informality (consider, by contrast, groups with strict codes of conduct for dress, bearing, sharing, etc.)
Understanding others

The purpose of inspiration is to inspire others to want to inspire yet others
This is not service provision in the usual sense with a donor and a recipient
This is the lighting of fires
Spiritual unity bends the laws of society: we can have a crowd of new friends at any time
Spiritual unity bends the laws of time: new acquaintances feel like eternal friends (extending infinitely in both directions)
Spiritual unity bends the laws of medicine: we should not be well but we are
Reality is not the material world
Reality is God
Anything that is real is God
Anything that is not God is not real
God is source: Creator
God is love
God is power

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Big Book Anon Workshop: Step Twelve: Carrying the message

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