Big Book Anon Workshop: Step 12: Practising these principles in all our affairs

Set out below are quotations from the earlier chapters, followed by separate sections on the chapter Working With Others, To Wives, and The Family Afterward.

Passages in blue are directly from the Book. Passages in black are personal commentary.

Earlier chapters

My friend had emphasized the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles in all my affairs. Particularly was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead, he said. And how appallingly true for the alcoholic! For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that. (Bill’s Story)

Working with others is one aspect of applying the principles of the programme
It is not limited to that
But failing to do that leaves a huge hole in a person's programme
Note the doubling-up of expression: absolute necessity
Something that is necessary must already be done.
And then, on top of that, it is absolutely necessary
Sobriety is effectively dependent on being a servant of God in all domains
Note that 'spiritual life' is perfected not by prayer, meditation, contemplation, religion, spiritual reading, spiritual exercises, or self-examination but by work and self-sacrifice for others
Those other elements are necessary preparatory steps
Effectively, therefore, the measure of my programme is not what I am doing in the First Step but what I am doing in the Twelfth
Lastly, alcoholics in particular have a propensity to become lost inside themselves
Outward-facing service, message-carrying, and usefulness are the antidote

None of us makes a sole vocation of this work, nor do we think its effectiveness would be increased if we did. We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning. A much more important demonstration of our principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs. (There Is A Solution)

Without 'a life', there is nothing to attract others
Our lives are the worked example of the application of the programme
Unless others see that the principles of the programme are enabling a person to be effective and happy, they won't believe it
If they don't believe it, they won't perceive the programme to be a solution to their problems
And they won't enquire further

In addition, if we have multiple talents, these must be channelled into worldly activity
God's plan extends beyond getting alcoholics sober
We have a role to play in that

Imbalance in the direction of service in AA (away from other legitimate, God-driven activities) can give rise to

Self-importance
Skewed perceptions and values
Excessive possessiveness about the programme
Self-righteousness about 'the right way to do it'
A know-it-all attitude
Superciliousness
Intolerance
Fanaticism
Loss of humility
Loss of perspective

There is a maximum point beyond which carrying the message and service no longer provides marginal benefit to the individual
When carrying the message and service become dry and routine because a person is doing too much, the fizz and sizzle go out of it
That fizz and sizzle is God
Without God, there's nothing left except information that can be read in a book

Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. (There Is A Solution)

Constant does not mean exclusive
There are other considerations, too
The caveat for anons

Our job is to ask God what our role in helping others is
This may differ from our notion of what helps others
Sometimes the most useful thing we can say is 'no'
Sometimes the most useful thing we can do is leave, detach, or downgrade the relationship

… regarding ourselves as intelligent agents, spearheads of God’s ever advancing Creation … (We Agnostics)

I do not act in the world on my own account
I have no personal account on which to act
Creation is not done
The world is not complete
It is work in progress
Our job is to help move that forward
We won't necessarily see where that it heading
So all we have to do is ask God what He wants us to do today
As agents, we simply have tasks to be perform
And are enjoined to perform those tasks in as pleasant and agreeable a way as possible
We are also intelligent agents: we get to think
God makes the final decision or large matters of general policy and finance
We have to think through how to do that
God will certainly power and guide that process
But we have to take the mental action ourselves

Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. (Into Action)

This comes from the passage on Step Nine
The purpose of Step Nine therefore is to remove those blocks to us being useful
When considering how to clear up a past or present situation, the question is this: will this place me in a position where I will be more useful or less useful?
In Step Nine, this is part of the mental run-through of the amend, which is performed to assess the best way to make the amend and whether to do so 'would injure them or others'

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. “How can I best serve Thee—Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will. (Into Action)

Ongoing abstinence and maintenance of the recovered state is contingent on what I'm doing today
My spiritual condition is dependent on my action today

There is no corner of life that is not governed by the principle of doing God's will
The prayer set down here: “How can I best serve Thee—Thy will (not mine) be done,” can be applied as the antidote to self-absorption or self-will in any situation

We are not God's puppets
Puppets have no will
They merely jerk when the strings are pulled
Although, ultimately, all our power comes from God
We are given the choice how to exercise that power
So we give that power back to God by directing it towards doing God's will
Doing God's will requires patience (withstanding suffering) and persistence (continuing regardless of what we think or how we feel)
This requires power and explains in part why we are given it

Working With Others

Family

Now, the domestic problem: There may be divorce, separation, or just strained relations. When your prospect has made such reparation as he can to his family, and has thoroughly explained to them the new principles by which he is living, he should proceed to put those principles into action at home. That is, if he is lucky enough to have a home. Though his family be at fault in many respects, he should not be concerned about that. He should concentrate on his own spiritual demonstration. Argument and fault-finding are to be avoided like the plague. In many homes this is a difficult thing to do, but it must be done if any results are to be expected. If persisted in for a few months, the effect on a man’s family is sure to be great. The most incompatible people discover they have a basis upon which they can meet. Little by little the family may see their own defects and admit them. These can then be discussed in an atmosphere of helpfulness and friendliness.

Make amends
Explain the principles of recovery
Apply them

General tips

Do not dwell on the faults of others (in the family or in the world)
Focus on one's own spiritual demonstration
Do not argue (internally, in one's mind, or externally, with other people)
Do not find fault (in the family or in the world)

Trust that acting right (in the right spirit) draws other people towards right thinking and right action
Harmony with difficult people is often possible
I have to take the lead by getting my beliefs, thinking, and behaviour right
The world around me then moulds to my new state of being
Others may or may not see and admit their defects
There may or may not be opportunity to discuss them in the atmosphere of helpfulness and friendliness
But I can be at peace and I can be productive regardless of whether others change

After they have seen tangible results, the family will perhaps want to go along. These things will come to pass naturally and in good time provided, however, the alcoholic continues to demonstrate that he can be sober, considerate, and helpful, regardless of what anyone says or does. Of course, we all fall much below this standard many times. But we must try to repair the damage immediately lest we pay the penalty by a spree.

The basic approach to family (or any setting involving others)

Being sober (both physically and displaying an even-tempered, measured response to any situation)
Being considerate (of others' needs: look at things from their point of view)
Being helpful

regardless of what anyone says or does

Do not beat yourself up for getting it wrong: adjust the steering wheel and continue the journey
Admit errors promptly and apologise
Let others respond to those admissions and those apologies as they wish

If there be divorce or separation, there should be no undue haste for the couple to get together. The man should be sure of his recovery. The wife should fully understand his new way of life. If their old relationship is to be resumed it must be on a better basis, since the former did not work. This means a new attitude and spirit all around. Sometimes it is to the best interests of all concerned that a couple remain apart. Obviously, no rule can be laid down. Let the alcoholic continue his program day by day. When the time for living together has come, it will be apparent to both parties.

By extension: be sure of recovery before getting into a new intimate relationship
This means completing the first nine Steps and practising Step Twelve concertedly for a good period
If a relationship is to be successful, there must be spiritual compatibility in addition to compatibility in other regards
The programme is about an altered basis (the basis of relying on God not ego / self)
It is not about applying fixes to a life built on the existing basis of relying on ego / self
That can't be fixed
It can only be abandoned

A general decision-making principle can be discerned in this:

If you don't know what to do, continue to work the daily programme
God will reveal what to do when God is ready

Let no alcoholic say he cannot recover unless he has his family back. This just isn’t so. In some cases the wife will never come back for one reason or another. Remind the prospect that his recovery is not dependent upon people. It is dependent upon his relationship with God. We have seen men get well whose families have not returned at all. We have seen others slip when the family came back too soon.

This contains the basic principle of the programme: rely on God
Practically, this means seeking identity, purpose, and security in God rather than self or the world
Self and the world are volatile and vulnerable
Reliance on those will produce unsatisfactory results
God, by contrast, does not change or disappear
With reliance on God, it is possible to be emotionally poised, cheerful, and effective in any situation

The world

While you were drinking, you were withdrawing from life little by little. Now you are getting back into the social life of this world. Don’t start to withdraw again just because your friends drink liquor.

The programme requires us to be in the world and take part in it
The extent to which we do this will vary from person to person
Some people are naturally introverted
But even introverts will usually find that they sicken if they spend too much time absorbed in themselves and their own affairs and cocooned from the world
Cocooning can actually increase the sense of insecurity, as lack of contact with material reality will typically distort a person's perception of it
Shielding and separation from the material can make it more fearful and threatening than being positioned at its heart
If the world appears very frightening, sometimes you have to run into the centre of it to eliminate the fear (read about Alice's experience in the garden in Alice Through the Looking-Glass)
Do precisely the thing you fear the most
You cannot shield yourself from the world: if finds its way in
If news and current affairs are upsetting, take God's hand, and listen to an hour a day of a good channel (NPR, BBC, Franceinfo, Deutschlandfunk) and ask God to show you how to trust others to 'run the world' and handle the problems that frighten you ... then let go and absorb yourself in something else
If you're scared of work, get a job, maybe a volunteering job to start off with
If you're scared of study, enrol on a course
If you're scared of driving, take lessons
Etc.

Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful. You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed.

In particular in work and in carrying the message, we may have to spend time in unpleasant environments
Provided there is a higher purpose, this is all to the good

To Wives

How to have a successful relationship

If you and your husband find a solution for the pressing problem of drink you are, of course, going to be very happy. But all problems will not be solved at once. Seed has started to sprout in a new soil, but growth has only begun. In spite of your new-found happiness, there will be ups and downs. Many of the old problems will still be with you. This is as it should be.

Having problems even years into recovery does not mean something has gone wrong, the programme does not work, or God has abandoned you
The world we're in is Forgiveness School
School is not out until we're dead
The point of life appears to be to learn the lessons we're here to learn
Lessons always come in the form of either emotional or practical problems
Whatever problems we had before recovery will rise back up during recovery for resolution, once and for all
They will keep recurring until they are solved
Sometimes they are solved in multiple stages
Once they are solved, they tend to stay solved
Although there are occasional refresher courses

The faith and sincerity of both you and your husband will be put to the test. These workouts should be regarded as part of your education, for thus you will be learning to live. You will make mistakes, but if you are in earnest they will not drag you down. Instead, you will capitalize them. A better way of life will emerge when they are overcome.

The aim is not to be problem-free or free of (negative) emotion but to learn to live
Perceive problems as the subject matter of the classes
The world is the classroom
Do not remove yourself or separate yourself from the world
This is to remove or separate yourself from the classroom
The lesson takes place in the classroom
No classroom, no lesson, no growth, no point
Seek to learn from a situation rather than to strip yourself of negative emotion for its own sake
Once the lessons are learned from a situation, the negative emotions subside
But this happens as a side-effect, not as the purpose
In accounting, debits are either

Expenses (which are lost for ever) or
Assets that are used in the business to produce revenue (= capitalisation)

Think of expenses as seeds that you eat, and assets as seeds that you plant ... to produce an ongoing supply of seeds
The seed is the same seed: what matters is what we do with it
We always have a choice, therefore, to view any problem (emotional or practical) as a debit ...
... and therefore as an opportunity to treat it as an expense or an asset
Problems are therefore opportunities to 'grow the business'

Some of the snags you will encounter are irritation, hurt feelings and resentments. Your husband will sometimes be unreasonable and you will want to criticize. Starting from a speck on the domestic horizon, great thunderclouds of dispute may gather. These family dissensions are very dangerous, especially to your husband. Often you must carry the burden of avoiding them or keeping them under control. Never forget that resentment is a deadly hazard to an alcoholic. We do not mean that you have to agree with your husband whenever there is an honest difference of opinion. Just be careful not to disagree in a resentful or critical spirit.

General principles

Other people have character defects
These have unpleasant external manifestations
Do not resent
Do not criticise
It is OK to disagree
But do not be disagreeable in doing so
'Disagree without being disagreeable'

You and your husband will find that you can dispose of serious problems easier than you can the trivial ones. Next time you and he have a heated discussion, no matter what the subject, it should be the privilege of either to smile and say, “This is getting serious. I’m sorry I got disturbed. Let’s talk about it later.” If your husband is trying to live on a spiritual basis, he will also be doing everything in his power to avoid disagreement or contention.

Don't argue: it doesn't help
Retreat and reconvene later
It soon becomes clear to others that progress can be made only if both are willing to engage in a civilised manner

Your husband knows he owes you more than sobriety. He wants to make good. Yet you must not expect too much. His ways of thinking and doing are the habits of years. Patience, tolerance, understanding and love are the watchwords. Show him these things in yourself and they will be reflected back to you from him. Live and let live is the rule. If you both show a willingness to remedy your own defects, there will be little need to criticize each other.

Have zero expectations of others
Bring about change by exhibiting that change yourself
Patience: suffering without complaint
Tolerance: letting others be different, difficult, or wrong
Understanding: look at the situation from the other person's point of view
Love: a benevolent attitude expressed in service

The hallmark of reasonable people is the willingness to 'make it work' and to make the necessary adjustments to bring this about
Unreasonable people cannot usually be made reasonable
Situations usually fall into one of two categories:

The person is essentially reasonable, in which case they don't 'need to be controlled', because they will accommodate you as you accommodate them
The person is essentially unreasonable, in which case attempts at control will fail anyway

... with someone in recovery

We women carry with us a picture of the ideal man, the sort of chap we would like our husbands to be. It is the most natural thing in the world, once his liquor problem is solved, to feel that he will now measure up to that cherished vision. The chances are he will not for, like yourself, he is just beginning his development. Be patient.

I try not to measure myself, others, or the world against how I think it should be without good cause
This is the set-up for resentment and all spiritual sickness
However, measurement against the ideal is legitimate when 'God's will for us' is to assess a situation and identify opportunities for growth or improvement
It is not a filter to be applied to everything we perceive
And when we are measuring reality against the ideal, it must be done in a neutral and detached way

Another feeling we are very likely to entertain is one of resentment that love and loyalty could not cure our husbands of alcoholism. We do not like the thought that the contents of a book or the work of another alcoholic has accomplished in a few weeks that for which we struggled for years. At such moments we forget that alcoholism is an illness over which we could not possibly have had any power. Your husband will be the first to say it was your devotion and care which brought him to the point where he could have a spiritual experience. Without you he would have gone to pieces long ago. When resentful thoughts come, try to pause and count your blessings. After all, your family is reunited, alcohol is no longer a problem and you and your husband are working together toward an undreamed- of future.

Still another difficulty is that you may become jealous of the attention he bestows on other people, especially alcoholics. You have been starving for his companionship, yet he spends long hours helping other men and their families. You feel he should now be yours. The fact is that he should work with other people to maintain his own sobriety. Sometimes he will be so interested that he becomes really neglectful. Your house is filled with strangers. You may not like some of them. He gets stirred up about their troubles, but not at all about yours. It will do little good if you point that out and urge more attention for yourself. We find it a real mistake to dampen his enthusiasm for alcoholic work. You should join in his efforts as much as you possibly can. We suggest that you direct some of your thought to the wives of his new alcoholic friends. They need the counsel and love of a woman who has gone through what you have.

We did not cause others' alcoholism (or dysfunction)
We cannot control it or cure it either
This means there is no basis for guilt about others' alcoholism (or dysfunction)
But there is also no basis for pride if we are used by God in aid of their recovery (from alcoholism or dysfunction)
God heals
But we can help create the conditions for healing

A solution to resentment: pause and count one's blessings (draw up a gratitude list)

Let others give what they can
If they are unavailable to you right now, for a longer time, or even forever: so be it
Look to God for 'an alternative source of supply'
Do not demand others' attention, either overtly or covertly

It is probably true that you and your husband have been living too much alone, for drinking many times isolates the wife of an alcoholic. Therefore, you probably need fresh interests and a great cause to live for as much as your husband. If you cooperate, rather than complain, you will find that his excess enthusiasm will tone down. Both of you will awaken to a new sense of responsibility for others. You, as well as your husband, ought to think of what you can put into life instead of how much you can take out. Inevitably your lives will be fuller for doing so. You will lose the old life to find one much better.

General principles:

Cooperate rather than complain
Seek to discharge responsibilities for others (extending to the community, to society, and to the world)
See what you can put into life rather than what you can get out of it (this echoes the Step Eleven review on page 86)

To have a big life, give
The new life we are given takes the place of the old one
Life is really the experience we have of life
A good life is a life experienced as good
The material aspects (home, job, family, etc.) may look the same as the old life
But life in the sense of our experience of it is new

Perhaps your husband will make a fair start on the new basis, but just as things are going beautifully he dismays you by coming home drunk. If you are satisfied he really wants to get over drinking, you need not be alarmed. Though it is infinitely better that he have no relapse at all, as has been true with many of our men, it is by no means a bad thing in some cases. Your husband will see at once that he must redouble his spiritual activities if he expects to survive. You need not remind him of his spiritual deficiency—he will know of it. Cheer him up and ask him how you can be still more helpful.

With others' alcoholism, etc.:

Either they can and will get well (i.e. they have the ability and the willingness)
Or they can't
Time will tell
Nudging typically won't shift someone from one category to the other
If someone does shift, it is unlikely to be because of nudging

Don't stand in the way of someone's resumption of drinking, relapse, etc.
They may need this experience to clarify the options and prompt a sound decision about the course they must take
Don't bash people for relapsing etc.: be neutral (so don't play it up but don't play it down either)

The slightest sign of fear or intolerance may lessen your husband’s chance of recovery. In a weak moment he may take your dislike of his high-stepping friends as one of those insanely trivial excuses to drink.

As indicated above, be neutral about others' alcoholism (or dysfunction)
Don't 'stick your oar in' or you'll disrupt the process
The quickest way through is to simply allow the situation to unfold
People seem to hit rock-bottom and then sincerely decide to seek recovery most readily when there is zero interference by outsiders

We never, never try to arrange a man’s life so as to shield him from temptation. The slightest disposition on your part to guide his appointments or his affairs so he will not be tempted will be noticed. Make him feel absolutely free to come and go as he likes. This is important. If he gets drunk, don’t blame yourself. God has either removed your husband’s liquor problem or He has not. If not, it had better be found out right away. Then you and your husband can get right down to fundamentals. If a repetition is to be prevented, place the problem, along with everything else, in God’s hands.

I am not responsible for others' alcoholism, recovery, relapse, or return after relapse
Whilst we ourselves 'shield ourselves' from temptation and encourage sponsees to do that in the early stages of recovery, before the relationship with God is firmly established ...
... we do not impose that on others
... (although sponsors might wisely suggest this as an option to sponsees)
People who comply with externally imposed systems, even when those systems are designed in their benefit, do not have to make the moral decision as to what they sincerely want
People who comply usually rebel at some point, and they're then back at square one
It's better to let someone make the decision for themselves
If you take the side of their higher self, they will usually take the side of their lower self (internally), whilst superficially complying
Every attempt I have ever made at establishing systems to ensure sponsees' compliance with the programme has failed
If someone is to get well, the desire must come from within
If that desire is there, we can help channel it
But we cannot place it there
To summarise:

Let them figure out if they're alcoholic etc.
If they are, let them figure out that this requires 'going to any lengths'
Let them figure out if they are willing to do that
(We may legitimately guide this process as a sponsor or advisor by providing information ...
... but we cannot 'conclude' for others)

Note the general principle: place all problems in God's hands
What does this mean?
Not thinking about anything troublesome except under the guidance of God in order to establish where we're at fault and/or our path ahead
Any other fretting, dwelling, fussing, replaying, preplaying, permutation-shuffling, simulation-running, etc. is playing God
Stop it

The Family Afterward

Our women folk have suggested certain attitudes a wife may take with the husband who is recovering. Perhaps they created the impression that he is to be wrapped in cotton wool and placed on a pedestal. Successful readjustment means the opposite. All members of the family should meet upon the common ground of tolerance, understanding and love. This involves a process of deflation. The alcoholic, his wife, his children, his “in-laws,” each one is likely to have fixed ideas about the family’s attitude towards himself or herself. Each is interested in having his or her wishes respected. We find the more one member of the family demands that the others concede to him, the more resentful they become. This makes for discord and unhappiness.

Don't cosset anyone, including newcomers
Treat them as adults fully responsible for their lives and the consequences of their beliefs, thinking, and behaviour
'Let him tie his own shoelaces: even if it presently takes longer that way'
Don't lavish special attention on anyone
The newcomer is not the most important person in the room: each life is of equal importance

(But there is a particular mission that must be fulfilled if there is a newcomer in the room ...
... although that is not the sole mission of the meeting in question, or indeed the group)

Don't lavish special praise on anyone

I have my ground, my private life of beliefs, thinking, and behaviour
You have your ground, your private life of beliefs, thinking, and behaviour
We have our common ground of beliefs, thinking, and behaviour
My ground is my business unless I'm unreasonably affecting your ground or the common ground
Your ground is your business unless you're unreasonably affecting my ground or the common ground
When assessing whether someone is affecting your ground

Don't be a little prince or princess
Make a distinction between what has a practical impact (e.g. a neighbour's loud music keeping you awake when you have to work the next day) ...
... from what does not (e.g. people holding or expressing views you disagree with or find disagreeable)

I must drop my ideas about the attitude others should have towards me
What they think is their business!
It is no good demanding others behave a certain way
At best I can request
There may be consequences of non-compliance with a request (e.g. I won't continue to speak to someone if they are shouting and will put the phone down)
But the responsibility for those consequences lies with the person who is choosing whether or not to comply with the request in awareness of the options and the consequences of each

And why? Is it not because each wants to play the lead? Is not each trying to arrange the family show to his liking? Is he not unconsciously trying to see what he can take from the family life rather than give?

I am in charge not of the situation but of my contribution to the situation
I am in 'the action business' not 'the results business'
I am in 'the giving business' not 'the getting business'
The situation, the results, and the getting are in God's hands not mine

Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition. A doctor said to us, “Years of living with an alcoholic is almost sure to make any wife or child neurotic. The entire family is, to some extent, ill.” Let families realize, as they start their journey, that all will not be fair weather. Each in his turn may be footsore and may straggle. There will be alluring shortcuts and by-paths down which they may wander and lose their way.

People around the alcoholic usually develop dysfunction in direct response to it
Once we're sober, abstinent, etc. there will still be other problems
This does not mean something has gone wrong or recovery does not work

Suppose we tell you some of the obstacles a family will meet; suppose we suggest how they may be avoided—even converted to good use for others. The family of an alcoholic longs for the return of happiness and security. They remember when father was romantic, thoughtful and successful. Today’s life is measured against that of other years and, when it falls short, the family may be unhappy.

Be in the now
Beware nostalgia
By the same token, beware fantasy

Family confidence in dad is rising high. The good old days will soon be back, they think. Sometimes they demand that dad bring them back instantly! God, they believe, almost owes this recompense on a long overdue account. But the head of the house has spent years in pulling down the structures of business, romance, friendship, health—these things are now ruined or damaged. It will take time to clear away the wreck. Though old buildings will eventually be replaced by finer ones, the new structures will take years to complete.

Be patient about progress in recovery
Maybe the first twenty years are 'early days'!

Father knows he is to blame; it may take him many seasons of hard work to be restored financially, but he shouldn’t be reproached. Perhaps he will never have much money again. But the wise family will admire him for what he is trying to be, rather than for what he is trying to get.

General principle: success is measured by what we're trying to be
This means the virtues we are trying to display
This echoes page 68: we ask God what he would have us be

Now and then the family will be plagued by specters from the past, for the drinking career of almost every alcoholic has been marked by escapades, funny, humiliating, shameful or tragic. The first impulse will be to bury these skeletons in a dark closet and padlock the door. The family may be possessed by the idea that future happiness can be based only upon forgetfulness of the past. We think that such a view is self-centered and in direct conflict with the new way of living.

Henry Ford once made a wise remark to the effect that experience is the thing of supreme value in life. That is true only if one is willing to turn the past to good account. We grow by our willingness to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets. The alcoholic’s past thus becomes the principal asset of the family and frequently it is almost the only one!

This painful past may be of infinite value to other families still struggling with their problem. We think each family which has been relieved owes something to those who have not, and when the occasion requires, each member of it should be only too willing to bring former mistakes, no matter how grievous, out of their hiding places. Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worthwhile to us now. Cling to the thought that, in God’s hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have—the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them.

It is possible to dig up past misdeeds so they become a blight, a veritable plague. For example, we know of situations in which the alcoholic or his wife have had love affairs. In the first flush of spiritual experience they forgave each other and drew closer together. The miracle of reconciliation was at hand. Then, under one provocation or another, the aggrieved one would unearth the old affair and angrily cast its ashes about. A few of us have had these growing pains and they hurt a great deal. Husbands and wives have sometimes been obliged to separate for a time until new perspective, new victory over hurt pride could be rewon. In most cases, the alcoholic survived this ordeal without relapse, but not always. So we think that unless some good and useful purpose is to be served, past occurrences should not be discussed.

We recount past mistakes

To establish identification with others
As the first element in an account of how we sought God's help in the resolution of those mistakes

Our purpose is to achieve God's purposes
One of God's purposes is to enable people to grow
In the world of recovery, we grow by copying others' examples
The example, therefore, is the chief method by which growth takes place
The chief asset, tool, instrument, and resource we have to give to God to use in His purpose in enabling others to grow is our alcoholism, anonism, and other dysfunction
We give these to God, see them transformed, and render up that transformation journey for use by God in perpetuity, as an example to others
Since we were given help by God through others, we have a debt
That debt is paid by paying it forward
It's OK to talk about our alcoholism, anonism, and other dysfunction: they're not who we are
We are the actors: these are the roles
Hence, there is no need for shame or embarrassment
This also forms the basis for the sense of purpose of life
The great thing we can give is life
Creating physical existence through procreation is a good thing
But life is what we make of existence
Existence is taking up space
Life is taking up space in a meaningful way
We are thus part of an endless chain of conversion of the clay of existence to the pottery of life
We thus become vessels for God

Do not bring up others' past misdeeds

We families of Alcoholics Anonymous keep few skeletons in the closet. Everyone knows about the others’ alcoholic troubles. This is a condition which, in ordinary life, would produce untold grief; there might be scandalous gossip, laughter at the expense of other people, and a tendency to take advantage of intimate information. Among us, these are rare occurrences. We do talk about each other a great deal, but we almost invariably temper such talk by a spirit of love and tolerance.

General principle: but we almost invariably temper such talk by a spirit of love and tolerance
This means only talk about others if there is a good purpose
Be factual: don't condemn or moralise
Be neutral: don't demand or wish that others were different

Another principle we observe carefully is that we do not relate intimate experiences of another person unless we are sure he would approve. We find it better, when possible, to stick to our own stories. A man may criticize or laugh at himself and it will affect others favorably, but criticism or ridicule coming from another often produces the contrary effect. Members of a family should watch such matters carefully, for one careless, inconsiderate remark has been known to raise the very devil. We alcoholics are sensitive people. It takes some of us a long time to outgrow that serious handicap.

Principles to work towards

Do not relate others' stories
Even if they might approve, try to tell your own story instead
Do not criticise interlocutors or third parties
Do not ridicule interlocutors or third parties
Don't be sensitive or prissy if other people get this wrong

Many alcoholics are enthusiasts. They run to extremes. At the beginning of recovery a man will take, as a rule, one of two directions. He may either plunge into a frantic attempt to get on his feet in business, or he may be so enthralled by his new life that he talks or thinks of little else. In either case certain family problems will arise. With these we have had experience galore.

We think it dangerous if he rushes headlong at his economic problem. The family will be affected also, pleasantly at first, as they feel their money troubles are about to be solved, then not so pleasantly as they find themselves neglected. Dad may be tired at night and preoccupied by day. He may take small interest in the children and may show irritation when reproved for his delinquencies. If not irritable, he may seem dull and boring, not gay and affectionate as the family would like him to be. Mother may complain of inattention. They are all disappointed, and often let him feel it. Beginning with such complaints, a barrier arises. He is straining every nerve to make up for lost time. He is striving to recover fortune and reputation and feels he is doing very well.

Sometimes mother and children don’t think so. Having been neglected and misused in the past, they think father owes them more than they are getting. They want him to make a fuss over them. They expect him to give them the nice times they used to have before he drank so much, and to show his contrition for what they suffered. But dad doesn’t give freely of himself. Resentment grows. He becomes still less communicative. Sometimes he explodes over a trifle. The family is mystified. They criticize, pointing out how he is falling down on his spiritual program.

This sort of thing can be avoided. Both father and the family are mistaken, though each side may have some justification. It is of little use to argue and only makes the impasse worse. The family must realize that dad, though marvelously improved, is still convalescing. They should be thankful he is sober and able to be of this world once more. Let them praise his progress. Let them remember that his drinking wrought all kinds of damage that may take long to repair. If they sense these things, they will not take so seriously his periods of crankiness, depression, or apathy, which will disappear when there is tolerance, love, and spiritual understanding.

The head of the house ought to remember that he is mainly to blame for what befell his home. He can scarcely square the account in his lifetime. But he must see the danger of over-concentration on financial success. Although financial recovery is on the way for many of us, we found we could not place money first. For us, material well-being always followed spiritual progress; it never preceded.

Since the home has suffered more than anything else, it is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to get far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof. We know there are difficult wives and families, but the man who is getting over alcoholism must remember he did much to make them so.

As each member of a resentful family begins to see his shortcomings and admits them to the others, he lays a basis for helpful discussion. These family talks will be constructive if they can be carried on without heated argument, self-pity, self-justification or resentful criticism. Little by little, mother and children will see they ask too much, and father will see he gives too little. Giving, rather than getting, will become the guiding principle.

If other people are unavailable, let them be
Don't criticise or demand
Don't argue
Be grateful for what is available
Tolerate others' 'bad patches': they're on a journey
Continue to show tolerance, love, and spiritual understanding

Place spiritual growth first
Get right with God, and the material side of things works itself out
Trust God and relax
Leave the results to materialise in God's time
How to show unselfishness and love at home:

Do things for others
Take an interest in others
Be jolly
Be affectionate
Yield wherever possible and reasonable
Love: a benevolent attitude expressed in service
Take inventory
Admit faults
If others criticise, take it on the chin
When discussing, be constructive: this means asking: What shall we do in the future?

Things to avoid

Heated argument
Self-pity
Self-justification
Resentful criticism

General guiding principle: giving not getting

Assume on the other hand that father has, at the outset, a stirring spiritual experience. Overnight, as it were, he is a different man. He becomes a religious enthusiast. He is unable to focus on anything else. As soon as his sobriety begins to be taken as a matter of course, the family may look at their strange new dad with apprehension, then with irritation. There is talk about spiritual matters morning, noon and night. He may demand that the family find God in a hurry, or exhibit amazing indifference to them and say he is above worldly considerations. He may tell mother, who has been religious all her life, that she doesn’t know what it’s all about, and that she had better get his brand of spirituality while there is yet time.

When father takes this tack, the family may react unfavorably. They may be jealous of a God who has stolen dad’s affections. While grateful that he drinks no more, they may not like the idea that God has accomplished the miracle where they failed. They often forget father was beyond human aid. They may not see why their love and devotion did not straighten him out. Dad is not so spiritual after all, they say. If he means to right his past wrongs, why all this concern for everyone in the world but his family? What about his talk that God will take care of them? They suspect father is a bit balmy!

He is not so unbalanced as they might think. Many of us have experienced dad’s elation. We have indulged in spiritual intoxication. Like a gaunt prospector, belt drawn in over the last ounce of food, our pick struck gold. Joy at our release from a lifetime of frustration knew no bounds. Father feels he has struck something better than gold. For a time he may try to hug the new treasure to himself. He may not see at once that he has barely scratched a limitless lode which will pay dividends only if he mines it for the rest of his life and insists on giving away the entire product.

If the family cooperates, dad will soon see that he is suffering from a distortion of values. He will perceive that his spiritual growth is lopsided, that for an average man like himself, a spiritual life which does not include his family obligations may not be so perfect after all. If the family will appreciate that dad’s current behavior is but a phase of his development, all will be well. In the midst of an understanding and sympathetic family, these vagaries of dad’s spiritual infancy will quickly disappear.

The opposite may happen should the family condemn and criticize. Dad may feel that for years his drinking has placed him on the wrong side of every argument, but that now he has become a superior person with God on his side. If the family persists in criticism, this fallacy may take a still greater hold on father. Instead of treating the family as he should, he may retreat further into himself and feel he has spiritual justification for so doing.

Though the family does not fully agree with dad’s spiritual activities, they should let him have his head. Even if he displays a certain amount of neglect and irresponsibility towards the family, it is well to let him go as far as he likes in helping other alcoholics. During those first days of convalescence, this will do more to insure his sobriety than anything else. Though some of his manifestations are alarming and disagreeable, we think dad will be on a firmer foundation than the man who is placing business or professional success ahead of spiritual development. He will be less likely to drink again, and anything is preferable to that.

Those of us who have spent much time in the world of spiritual make-believe have eventually seen the childishness of it. This dream world has been replaced by a great sense of purpose, accompanied by a growing consciousness of the power of God in our lives. We have come to believe He would like us to keep our heads in the clouds with Him, but that our feet ought to be firmly planted on earth. That is where our fellow travelers are, and that is where our work must be done. These are the realities for us. We have found nothing incompatible between a powerful spiritual experience and a life of sane and happy usefulness.

If you've had a spiritual awakening

Don't bang on about it
Don't force it on others
Don't assume your path is right and others' path is wrong
Don't be cavalier about the realm of the material: this is where our work is
Don't belittle or dismiss others' experience of the material world
If something's important to others, treat it as important to you as well
Be concerned for the welfare of others
Manifest this through interest and constructive actions
'Pray to God but tie your camel to a tree'
Trusting God does not mean jettisoning horse sense
Have 'common sense' and 'uncommon sense' (see Bill's Story)
Continue to

Work to establish material security
Play for the future
Look after physical health
Attend to other responsibilities
... particularly looking after those who cannot look after themselves

Don't assume you're right on any matter just because you have a relationship with God
Continue to maintain the relationship with God day by day forever
But take every ounce of spiritual energy and channel it into serving God

If someone around you has had a spiritual awakening

Leave it to play itself out
Don't criticise or condemn
(Although be available for input if someone asks for it)

General principles:

Head in the clouds with God (prayer, meditation, contemplation, religious observance, religious / spiritual reading, etc.)
Feet firmly planted on earth (carrying the message, practising these principles in all our affairs)
A true spiritual awakening must have both elements to be complete
This is preferable to:

Having your head on earth: being mentally preoccupied with worldly matters for no good purpose
Having your feet in the air: idleness!

Usefulness leads to sanity and happiness

One more suggestion: Whether the family has spiritual convictions or not, they may do well to examine the principles by which the alcoholic member is trying to live. They can hardly fail to approve these simple principles, though the head of the house still fails somewhat in practicing them. Nothing will help the man who is off on a spiritual tangent so much as the wife who adopts a sane spiritual program, making a better practical use of it.

The best way to help others is

To have a 'sane spiritual programme' myself
To demonstrate that (rather than talking about it): making better practical use of it

There will be other profound changes in the household. Liquor incapacitated father for so many years that mother became head of the house. She met these responsibilities gallantly. By force of circumstances, she was often obliged to treat father as a sick or wayward child. Even when he wanted to assert himself he could not, for his drinking placed him constantly in the wrong. Mother made all the plans and gave the directions. When sober, father usually obeyed. Thus mother, through no fault of her own, became accustomed to wearing the family trousers. Father, coming suddenly to life again, often begins to assert himself. This means trouble, unless the family watches for these tendencies in each other and comes to a friendly agreement about them.

Let others who are in recovery take full responsibility for themselves
Don't mother, manage, manipulate, or martyr yourself (the 'four Ms')

Drinking isolates most homes from the outside world. Father may have laid aside for years all normal activities—clubs, civic duties, sports. When he renews interest in such things, a feeling of jealousy may arise. The family may feel they hold a mortgage on dad, so big that no equity should be left for outsiders. Instead of developing new channels of activity for themselves, mother and children demand that he stay home and make up the deficiency.

If others don't give you the attention you want, build your own life!
Develop new channels of activity for yourself

At the very beginning, the couple ought to frankly face the fact that each will have to yield here and there if the family is going to play an effective part in the new life. Father will necessarily spend much time with other alcoholics, but this activity should be balanced. New acquaintances who know nothing of alcoholism might be made and thoughtful consideration given their needs. The problems of the community might engage attention. Though the family has no religious connections, they may wish to make contact with or take membership in a religious body.

Don't just carry the message
Take an active interest

In other friends and acquaintances
In the community
In a religious body (if applicable)

Alcoholics who have derided religious people will be helped by such contacts. Being possessed of a spiritual experience, the alcoholic will find he has much in common with these people, though he may differ with them on many matters. If he does not argue about religion, he will make new friends and is sure to find new avenues of usefulness and pleasure. He and his family can be a bright spot in such congregations. He may bring new hope and new courage to many a priest, minister, or rabbi, who gives his all to minister to our troubled world. We intend the foregoing as a helpful suggestion only. So far as we are concerned, there is nothing obligatory about it. As non-denominational people, we cannot make up others’ minds for them. Each individual should consult his own conscience.

Tread carefully in the religious realm
Don't try to trump the religious doctrine, dogma, tenets, or convictions you encounter with 'higher-ranking "spiritual" discoveries'
(They were there first)
Share when asked to share
But don't force your ideas on anyone
Be of practical and spiritual help ...
... when it is asked for

We have been speaking to you of serious, sometimes tragic things. We have been dealing with alcohol in its worst aspect. But we aren’t a glum lot. If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn’t want it. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world’s troubles on our shoulders. When we see a man sinking into the mire that is alcoholism, we give him first aid and place what we have at his disposal. For his sake, we do recount and almost relive the horrors of our past. But those of us who have tried to shoulder the entire burden and trouble of others find we are soon overcome by them.

Find ways to enjoy life and have fun
Do not be gloomy about the world
Do not feel responsible for or worry about the world in general
(If God calls upon us to do something constructive in the world beyond our own immediate environment, parachute in, take action, parachute out: don't get mentally swamped)

When sponsoring others:

Engage
Assess the situation
Share what needs to be shared
But then let go: do not 'carry' the sponsee either practically or mentally
Place them back in God's hands and be free

So we think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn’t we laugh? We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others.

Consciously and deliberately foster cheerfulness and fun

Everybody knows that those in bad health, and those who seldom play, do not laugh much. So let each family play together or separately, as much as their circumstances warrant. We are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence.

The ideal: to take 100% responsibility for my emotions and my subjective experience of my life
No one makes me feel anything
No one makes me suffer anything
Some pain can be caused by external factors
But pain does not equate to suffering unless I resist it
Avoiding the deliberate manufacture of misery:

Unhelpful beliefs
Unhelpful thinking
Unhelpful behaviour

Deliberately foster gratitude for every difficult situation: say: 'God will solve this problem, and then I can use this as an example to show others how God can solve any problem'

Now about health: A body badly burned by alcohol does not often recover overnight nor do twisted thinking and depression vanish in a twinkling. We are convinced that a spiritual mode of living is a most powerful health restorative. We, who have recovered from serious drinking, are miracles of mental health. But we have seen remarkable transformations in our bodies. Hardly one of our crowd now shows any mark of dissipation.

But this does not mean that we disregard human health measures. God has abundantly supplied this world with fine doctors, psychologists, and practitioners of various kinds. Do not hesitate to take your health problems to such persons. Most of them give freely of themselves, that their fellows may enjoy sound minds and bodies. Try to remember that though God has wrought miracles among us, we should never belittle a good doctor or psychiatrist. Their services are often indispensable in treating a newcomer and in following his case afterward.

One of the many doctors who had the opportunity of reading this book in manuscript form told us that the use of sweets was often helpful, of course depending upon a doctor’s advice. He thought all alcoholics should constantly have chocolate available for its quick energy value at times of fatigue. He added that occasionally in the night a vague craving arose which would be satisfied by candy. Many of us have noticed a tendency to eat sweets and have found this practice beneficial.

If you need outside help, get it
This is an adjunct to a spiritual basis for life, not a substitute
Maybe be wary of outside help that

Does not respect the spiritual basis for life
Actively works against it
Actively fosters attitudes or approaches that run counter to the principles of the programme

In any case: pray and follow God's guidance
Try things out: if they're a terrible mistake, admit it promptly

A word about sex relations. Alcohol is so sexually stimulating to some men that they have over-indulged. Couples are occasionally dismayed to find that when drinking is stopped the man tends to be impotent. Unless the reason is understood, there may be an emotional upset. Some of us had this experience, only to enjoy, in a few months, a finer intimacy than ever. There should be no hesitancy in consulting a doctor or psychologist if the condition persists. We do not know of many cases where this difficulty lasted long.

The alcoholic may find it hard to re-establish friendly relations with his children. Their young minds were impressionable while he was drinking. Without saying so, they may cordially hate him for what he has done to them and to their mother. The children are sometimes dominated by a pathetic hardness and cynicism. They cannot seem to forgive and forget. This may hang on for months, long after their mother has accepted dad’s new way of living and thinking.

In time they will see that he is a new man and in their own way they will let him know it. When this happens, they can be invited to join in morning meditation and then they can take part in the daily discussion without rancor or bias. From that point on, progress will be rapid. Marvelous results often follow such a reunion.

Whether the family goes on a spiritual basis or not, the alcoholic member has to if he would recover. The others must be convinced of his new status beyond the shadow of a doubt. Seeing is believing to most families who have lived with a drinker.

If other people have been badly burned by our behaviour: let them get over it in their own time
Let our actions demonstrate that we have changed
Invite others to join the spiritual path
But never pressurise them to do so

Here is a case in point: One of our friends is a heavy smoker and coffee drinker. There was no doubt he over-indulged. Seeing this, and meaning to be helpful, his wife commenced to admonish him about it. He admitted he was overdoing these things, but frankly said that he was not ready to stop. His wife is one of those persons who really feels there is something rather sinful about these commodities, so she nagged, and her intolerance finally threw him into a fit of anger. He got drunk.

Of course our friend was wrong—dead wrong. He had to painfully admit that and mend his spiritual fences. Though he is now a most effective member of Alcoholics Anonymous, he still smokes and drinks coffee, but neither his wife nor anyone else stands in judgment. She sees she was wrong to make a burning issue out of such a matter when his more serious ailments were being rapidly cured.

Let other people develop at their own speed
Let almost everything go: don't fuss!
'On his pastoral governance in Venice, Roncalli (Pope John XIII) wrote about the following rule, coming from Gregory the Great but also attributed to St Bernard, that he as a young priest knew as a motto of the bishop of Bergamo, Giacomo M. Radini-Tedeschi, 'Omnia videre, multa dissimulare, pauca corrigere'. 'See everything, disregard most things, change a little.'
This is true in AA groups: speak up / suggest changes only where they are mission critical

We have three little mottoes which are apropos. Here they are:

First Things First

Live and Let Live

Easy Does It

First Things First

Put my relationship with God first

Live and Let Live

Keep my focus on my own performance of God's will
Leave others to it
If I do notice something 'I don't like': be patient and tolerant (i.e. put up with it)
(Note that Tradition IV still applies: occasionally I must speak up)

Easy Does It:

This does not mean 'work the programme slowly or haphazardly'
It means being diligent, calm, and steady (as opposed to frantic and fretting)
And being gentle on others

Big Book Anon Workshop (legacy site)

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Big Book Anon Workshop: Step 12: Practising these principles in all our affairs

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